


Life After You

by Kate_Shepard



Series: There's No Place Like Home [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Akuze, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Love after Loss, M/M, Mindoir, Origin Story, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Short Chapters, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 29,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23876020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: Jake Shepard had neither expected nor wanted to leave Mindoir. Now, though, he finds himself on a planet not his own with a family he never wanted. Seth Hayworth is nice, but all Jake can see is Johnny. Can Seth help him heal or will he become just one more scar on Jake's heart? What happens when everything you know is gone? How does a lost, scared, sad boy become the greatest military leader in the galaxy? Can he learn to celebrate again?
Relationships: Male Shepard/OC
Series: There's No Place Like Home [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709710
Comments: 63
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is part two of Jake's story. There are a lot of OCs, which I usually don't use, but I've tried to write in characters who fit into the ME universe. The chapters will mostly be short because the story is told in snippets, so I'll probably be uploading two chapters at a time.

###  _February 21, 2171_

###  _Day One_

Jake looked disinterestedly around the bedroom, letting the drone of voices behind him wash over him as he rubbed a shoulder that was still sore from the surgery to remove the bullets. He tried not to flinch at the sight of the bunk bed against the wall and tried to force away thoughts of late nights spent talking to Will. Will, whose dead eyes he’d looked into. Will, who was gone forever. 

Like Hannah.

Like Johnny.

 _No_.

He couldn’t think about Johnny. If he did, if he pictured those silver-green eyes glazed and milky like Will’s had been, fixed on something he couldn’t see, he’d go insane. If he thought about Hannah, the woman who’d become his mother in practice if not in name, the lumpy shape to her head, Maxine’s body splayed on top of her, he’d lose it. He couldn’t think about them. 

He couldn’t think about Ronnie and Dustin, their bodies growing cool and stiff against his, their blood turning tacky on his skin. He couldn’t even think about Reigan, the asshole who’d caused them all so much grief. Even he hadn’t deserved to go out that way. None of them had.

So, why was he still here?

Better not to think about it. Better to ignore the Jedi poster on the wall. He couldn’t think about arguing the merits of Star Wars over Star Trek because then he’d think about soft lips against his and then he’d see the mouth that had once curved up in the sly smile he’d loved so much parted in shock. And if he thought about that, he wouldn’t be able to breathe. The sucking, gaping hole in his chest would rupture and he would lose his mind.

Instead, he put the bag with the only possessions left to him in the world down beside the bunk bed and tried to focus on the other people in the room with him. The bedroom belonged to a tall, burly boy his age who looked much older. Seth, he thought they’d called him. Thick, sandy brown hair fell over his shoulders. Stubble already grew on a strong jaw. His hands were big enough to crush his head if they chose to. He might have looked scary if Jake was capable of feeling fear anymore. If he was capable of feeling anything but pain. 

Seth’s father, a carbon copy of him, loomed in the doorway. His mother, a slight, waifish blonde woman with a kind smile, flitted around the room, talking about rearranging things so that he could put his belongings away and urging him to make himself at home. She put her hand on his back as she moved behind him and he flinched, the touch reminding him of Ronnie’s hand clutching his shirt as he died on top of him. 

He could’ve told her that making himself at home wouldn’t happen. Home was gone. Burned and bloodstained. A nightmare come to life. He could never go back. 

The Alliance had arranged for the Hayworth family to take him in. They’d heard about the raid and volunteered. Probably nice people. Didn’t matter. He’d already found his family and had them torn away. Slaughtered. Like the animals on the McAlister’s farm. Not people anymore. Just meat. Dead and gone. He didn’t need a new one. He didn’t want a new one. Too easily lost and it hurt too much. The only family he had left was lost in space somewhere, suffering every minute that Jake was trapped on this godforsaken blue world. As good as dead. 

The boy, Seth, didn’t try to talk to him. He just looked at him with soft hazel eyes that reminded Jake far too much of the sun shining on the wheat fields in spring, shades of gold and brown flecked with sprigs of green before they took on their purple hue near harvest. Jake looked away from him, too. At least they weren’t silvery-blue. His mother’s were, but they were cornflower instead of lagoon. Different enough. 

Neon flashed through the bedroom window, a cacophony of sound pressing against the glass. So far, Earth was exactly as he’d imagined. Bright. Cramped. Loud. As different from Mindoir as it could get. He hadn’t decided yet if that was good or bad. It was certainly claustrophobic. The zoom of skycars and rumble of vehicles, honking horns, passing voices, calls of street vendors, music from a nearby club, footsteps sounding from the apartment overhead all combined into deafening white noise that no one else seemed to hear.

He clenched his fists as Seth’s parents shot each other a concerned look. Pity, worry, and maybe even a little bit of fear passed over their features before he noticed the lightning zipping under his skin. He didn’t have to look down to know he was glowing blue. He was focusing so much on controlling everything else lately that he couldn’t keep the biotics under control. Maybe they’d send him away now. Change their minds. 

He closed his eyes and saw Johnny, heard his calm voice. “Breathe, Jakey-baby. You’re okay.” 

He clenched his teeth together hard enough that he thought they might shatter and tapped his fingers against his pants, playing a silent dirge to the life he’d lost. 

He couldn’t do this. He didn’t know how to live in a world that didn’t have Johnny in it. He’d never hear his voice again. Never feel his hands on his skin. They were supposed to get married. They’d had so many plans. Forever. Goats and holidays and _days_ and decades together. They’d promised. Who knew forever could be so short? It seemed like yesterday and a million years ago that they’d stood at the base of the tree where they’d carved their initials into the wood, promising themselves to each other. 

He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to go home. He wanted to turn back time, find a way to take Johnny to the game with him. They might have lived then. Or stayed home and at least they’d have died together. It wasn’t right that he was here and everyone else was gone.

A large hand came to rest gently on his shoulder, making him flinch again. A deep, soothing voice said, “Hey. It’s okay. Look at me, Jacob.” He fought the urge to jerk away and looked up at the bigger boy. Seth gazed at him kindly, without pity or concern, and said, “We’ll get through this, okay? You aren’t alone unless you want to be.”

Jake’s chin trembled and he nodded silently, unable to force words beyond the tangled knot of fire in his throat. He hadn’t been able to speak to anyone since it happened. They didn’t know. They hadn’t been there. They weren’t family.

“He needs to rest, Mom. Stop hovering,” Seth said, affectionate amusement lacing the last words. “You’re being overwhelming again.”

The adults retreated, leaving Seth and Jake alone. Jake went into the small attached bathroom and changed into gym shorts and a t-shirt before climbing up into the top bunk. He reached into his pack and drew out Johnny’s hat. It still smelled like him. He clutched it to his face and fought the tears that burned the backs of his eyes. He couldn’t cry. If he started crying now, he’d never, ever stop. 

That soft, baritone voice drifted up in the semi-darkness. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, Jacob. But if you do, I’m a good listener. I’ve never been through anything like what you have, but my sister died a few years ago. I didn’t think we’d ever get through it, but we took it one step at a time. It helped me to have a plan and break it down. So, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to sleep tonight. Get some rest. Tomorrow morning, we’ll get up, eat breakfast and get ready, and then we’ll go to school. I’ll show you around, introduce you to the teachers and all that. And once we do that, we’ll make a new plan. How’s that sound?”

He pressed the hat harder against his face and grunted, “It’s Jake.”


	2. Chapter 2

###  _February 19, 2171_

###  _Day Seven_

It was a good thing he’d gotten used to stares and whispers over the past year, he’d discovered. The school was as big as all of the schools in Felicity combined, but they’d all heard about the new kid and everyone was curious about the colony kid whose settlement had been slaughtered. 

A few of Seth’s friends tried to draw him into conversation over the days that followed, asking about the differences between here and home. Jake hadn’t seen enough of Earth to know yet, and he was too tired to pretend to be normal. It was already hard enough to close his eyes. The din through the window made it impossible to sleep, so he’d lain on his back in the neon gloom and stared at the ceiling for the past several nights, trying to pick shapes out of the shadows on the pale surface. On the rare occasions he did manage to sleep for a few minutes, he woke screaming.

The administrators had put him in classes with Seth, probably hoping it would help him assimilate better. He didn’t know if that would happen even if he wanted it. He had nothing in common with these people. They moved too fast, talked too fast, and existed in their own little worlds. Everywhere he looked, there were teenagers all but jogging with their heads buried in their omni-tools and many with earbuds in. If they weren’t staring at him, they were engrossed in their technology. 

At lunch a week after he’d arrived in Atlanta, Seth plunked a tray down in front of him and slid into the seat across from him with his own. Jake looked listlessly down at the food the other boy had procured. The stuff they served here was different from anything he’d eaten at home, but still recognizable. He could hear Johnny cajoling him to eat. If he didn’t, he was likely to pass out when his blood sugar crashed. He’d already come close a few times. _Don’t talk to me, Johnny-boy. I can’t bear it if you do,_ moya solnishka, he silently begged the voice. 

_Moya solnishka._ My sunshine. 

_Ain’t no sunshine when he’s gone. It’s not warm when he’s away…._

“You play baseball, right?” Seth asked as Jake poked listlessly at his tray. “Your ball cap. We have a team here. Maybe you could try out.”

His stomach turned and his shoulder ached. For a moment, he was back on the bus, surrounded by the stiffening bodies of his friends with the smell of violent death in his nostrils. His bat was somewhere on Mindoir, lost along with so much else. He’d retrieved his piano, some clothes, and a few knicknacks from the house, but Johnny’s cap was the only baseball-related thing he’d taken with him. 

If he wrapped his hands around a bat now, he was certain he’d feel the crack of a batarian skull against it. He hadn’t always been the most accurate hitter on the team, but when he hit, he hit hard. He pushed his tray away, losing what little appetite he’d managed to work up. 

“Okay. None of that, then,” Seth said. “Anything else you like to do? Books? Video games? Music?” Jake nodded without looking up. “Well, I’ve got all that back home. So. Next part of our plan. After school, we’ll go home, do our homework, eat dinner, and do our chores. When that’s finished, we can play a video game for a couple hours. Get you out of your head for a little while, stop staring at the walls all evening like you’ve been doing. And then we’ll go to bed and the first week will be over. Deal?”

He didn’t deserve to have someone as nice as Seth was helping him out. The boy might be huge and look like a biker with his long hair, piercings, and clunky boots, but he was soft-hearted and gentle. Nice when he didn’t have to be. Kind. Patient. 

Jake hadn’t spoken to him since telling him his name that first night, but the boy didn’t seem to mind. He’d talk sometimes, explaining things about life on Earth or telling him about his life, filling him in on people at school, and he never seemed to mind that Jake just listened. He stuck to yes or no questions, letting him nod or shake his head in reply. He honestly didn’t know how he’d have survived this first week without him. So, even though the idea of playing video games with someone else made his chest ache, he nodded. 


	3. Chapter 3

###  _March 14 2171_

###  _Day Thirty_

“C’mon, Jake. We’re gonna be late!” Seth called out.

Jake walked into the living room, brow furrowed in confusion. This wasn’t part of the plan. Actually, come to think of it...they hadn’t planned today at all. He’d just gotten up and gone through what was becoming routine. Breakfast, shower, dress, go to school, shower, go to their job at Seth’s mom’s restaurant, shower again, chores, and something to fill the last few hours of the day until he could shower yet again, trying to scrub away memories that had seared themselves into his skin. Seth kept him busy, kept him moving, kept him from thinking more than he had to. Now, though, he was changing the routine and Jake didn’t know why. 

“You’ll love it. Trust me,” Seth said. Seeing Jake’s continued confusion, he elaborated. “You made it through the first month, Jake. We’re gonna celebrate. There’s a Pink Floyd cover band playing in town tonight. Dad got us tickets.”

He was always doing things like this. Marking the milestones of simply surviving from one day to the next. As if he understood what a feat simply getting up in the morning and putting on clothes could be. Hell. He probably did. He’d certainly been woken to Jake’s screams in the middle of the night often enough. That didn’t seem to bother the boy, either. Jake would come to with a hand on his shoulder and eyes peering at him in the darkness. He’d fight to get himself back under control, clinging to Johnny’s hat like it was a lifeline until he fell back to sleep. 

It didn’t smell like him anymore.

Seth waved him forward, hazel eyes dancing like wheat in a summer breeze. Jake chewed his lip for a moment, considering. It didn’t seem right to go out and do something fun when Will and Maxine would never get to have fun again and Johnny was still out there somewhere and Ronnie and Dustin were dead and buried who even knew where. Had the Alliance buried them all individually or were they cremated or tossed into a mass grave? 

“Hey,” Seth said, cutting in before Jake could follow that line of thought any further. “Stop overthinking it. You’re here. They’re not. And it sucks ass. I know. But you can’t stop living just because they’re gone. It’s _okay_ to have fun. It’s okay to live. You aren’t betraying them by not crawling into a hole beside them. You’re betraying them by trying to.”

Jake blinked, as shocked as he would have been if the boy had slapped him. What did he know? Sure, he’d lost a sister, but that was one person. It wasn’t _everyone_. His mother, his adopted family, his fiancé, his best friends, his enemies, his teachers and coaches, Rinia, the biotic turian at the store where he and Johnny had worked, the pharmacist, the neighbors. _Everyone_ he’d ever known was dead. Everyone but Johnny, and he was lost forever. Seth had _no_ idea what that was like. So, how dare he accuse him of betraying them?

“You’re pissed now, aren’t you?” Seth asked, the corner of his mouth curling up. “Good. At least you’re feeling _something_. Something that doesn’t hurt. Get angry if you have to. Means you’re still alive. Now, come on. Dad spent a lot of credits on these tickets and we aren’t going to waste them.”

The concert was held in a converted warehouse packed with people ranging from their age to gray-haired. Seth claimed a section of floor toward the back and took a seat, kicking his long legs out in front of him. Jake sank down cross-legged and glanced around at others in various states of relaxation. He’d expected a show like this to be more high-energy. He understood the mood as soon as the band began to play. This wasn’t the rapid, thumping pulse of the modern music that had grated on his nerves since he’d come to Earth. It was languid and nuanced and curled lazily around them like the smoke rising toward the ceiling. 

Seth passed him a thin, sweet-smelling hand-rolled cigarette. Jake eyed it for a long moment, wondering if the taste of it would bring too many memories back to the surface, but this smelled nothing like the smoke from _that day_. He accepted it and took a hesitant drag. It was sweet and earthy. He inhaled deeper, sucking it into his lungs before doubling over as a wracking cough ripped through him. His eyes watered as one of Seth’s meaty hands patted his back and the other plucked what he realized was a joint from his fingers.

“Easy there, buddy,” he said, amusement lacing his voice. “This stuff hits like a freight train, but then it smooths out. Kinda like you.” Jake’s brow furrowed in question and Seth grinned. “Your...biotics, right? You carry this, like, energy field around you. Hits hard at first. You feel it slam into your chest. But then it rolls through you. Like thunder. It’s...kinda neat, actually.”

Huh. The day after his biotics had made themselves known, he and Ronnie had been wrestling on the floor of their classroom and Ronnie had said something similar while rubbing his chest, but the teacher had interrupted before he could explain. Jake hadn’t thought about it again and no one had ever described it to him. He wondered if it was uncomfortable. Johnny had never complained, and Seth didn’t make it sound like it was a bad thing. 

He shrugged, putting it aside to look at later. Didn’t matter. Wasn’t like he’d ever touch anyone that way again. He couldn’t imagine lips that weren’t Johnny’s against his or someone else’s hands on him, feeling a different body moving in time with his. _Fuck_. He missed him so bad, he _ached_ with it. This was why he didn’t let himself think about it. Ever. 

Would this pain never end? Would he never be able to just go a day without feeling like he’d been kicked in the chest by Johnny’s Clydesdale? There would never be anyone else for him. He’d promised Johnny forever. Johnny wasn’t here, but Jake was and forever suddenly seemed like a very long time.

Seth passed the joint back to him and he sucked in more of the smoke, not caring if it made him cough again. It would be better than this gaping hole in his chest. He managed to do it right this time, though, and felt a soothing peace flow through him. He pushed thoughts of his missing boyfriend away and let himself fade into the music. One day at a time. One minute at a time if necessary. 

Don’t look at the interminable path ahead. Don’t look at the next century stretched out in front of him without the people he’d loved. _Just get through today, Jakey-baby. You can do it_. Maybe he could. There was nothing he could do to change it. He couldn’t go back. He could only keep trudging ahead, one foot in front of the other. 

One month down, the rest of his life to go.


	4. Chapter 4

###  _April 11, 2171_

###  _Day Fifty-eight_

Jake trudged into the apartment and went to the bedroom without speaking. He vaguely noted the concerned look Mr. and Mrs. Hayworth gave each other and only partially registered Seth’s soft explanation that he’d had a ‘setback’. He’d started talking to Seth, and occasionally his parents, a few weeks after the concert. Today, though, the words wouldn’t come. Today, all he could see was Mindoir.

It was April eleventh. His birthday. He was seventeen. A year ago, he’d been home with Johnny and their family. A year ago, he’d played piano for them. _When you unfold me and tell me you love me and look in my eyes, you are perfection, my only direction. It’s fire on fire.*_

His first birthday party. Johnny had insisted that he come over when he’d found out Jake was spending the day alone. Mat[1] hadn’t believed in celebrating birthdays. She’d called them frivolous wastes of money. Shortly after that, she’d caught him and Johnny together and he’d been taken from her custody and placed with the Shepards. 

Seth popped his head in and said, “Hey. We’re still going to the arcade, right? You need to get out of this funk. It’s a bad day, I get it, but it won’t get better moping around. So, get up off your ass and come on. We’re gonna celebrate.” Seth gave his shoulder a playful shove. 

Jake sat up with a sigh. He didn’t want to go anywhere, but when Seth set his mind to something, especially when it involved getting Jake out of his head, there was no arguing with him. 

Seth dragged him to an arcade down the street from the apartment. From the moment the doors opened, he was bombarded by a cacophony of sound and light. The place was packed, bodies bumping against each other as they moved across the crowded floor from game machine to game machine. Jake had never seen anything like it. He trailed Seth through the crowded building. If he could’ve cleared out all the people, Johnny would’ve lost his mind over this place. 

He tried to lose himself in the colorful light and cheerful clangs of the game machines, he really did. He wasn’t enjoying himself, exactly, but he was dealing until Seth spotted a Star Trek based pinball machine and dragged him over to it. He’d _hated_ Star Trek, had tolerated watching it just because Johnny got so into it and it made him smile. Jake would have crawled across hot coals if it meant he got to see that. 

They’d spent hours arguing the merits of Star Trek versus Star Wars. They’d argued it in the lunch line, working on their bio project, stocking shelves at the store Hannah managed, in the back room of the same store... He’d loved seeing Johnny passionate. Didn’t matter what the topic was. His eyes sparkled, his cheeks flushed. He could almost feel those soft lips against his, the sharp, surprised intake of breath when he’d kissed him for the first time on the back of his motorcycle. 

The horse was kicking his chest again. He fought to stay upright as the breath left his lungs and his stomach roiled. Fire burned the backs of his eyes, threatening to spill over. It was too much. Too soon. He tugged on Seth’s sleeve. “I gotta go. I can’t… I gotta get out of here.” 

He turned and ran, dodging and weaving through the crowd until he reached the street. He braced his hands on his knees with his head down, dragging in heaving breaths of the humid night air. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t _want_ to do this. He didn’t want to be here. This was too much. It was too fucking much to ask of a goddamn seventeen year old to spend the rest of his fucking life alone.

 _I can’t do this by myself._

“Hey. There you are.” Seth’s voice was soft and laced with concern. “Didn’t realize you could move that fast. Maybe you should run track.”

“ _No_.”

“Okay. Okay. Just an idea. Bad one. Got it. No sports at all?” 

“No.” 

They returned to the apartment in silence. Seth didn’t seem to have taken offense. He rolled onto the bottom bunk and wished Jake goodnight, giving him a sad smile. Jake climbed up into the top bunk, grateful that the day was finally fucking over. He wrapped his arms around his pillow, hugging it tightly, and buried his face in it. Still, he didn’t cry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * "Fire on Fire" by Sam Smith  
> [1] Mat: Mother  
> A/N: A note about the timeline. It's fluid because Jake is marking milestones as much as he's counting days. The raid happened in late 2170, but at the beginning of this story, he'd been in the hospital and with the Alliance while waiting to get placed for a couple months. Day 1 for him is day one of living in a new place, and that happened Feb 12, 2171. However, because he's counting in his own way, One Year may not necessarily be Day 365 of living with the Hayworths. It would be one year from the date of the raid. Clear as mud, I know, but this is how he insisted on doing it. Just don't try calendarizing it b/c it's matched up to Jake's internal calendar, not actual dates.


	5. Chapter 5

###  _August 25, 2171_

###  _Month Nine_

“It’s senior year, man. What’re we gonna do when school’s over?” Seth asked, rolling over onto his back with his head hanging off the edge of the bed. 

Jake peered over the edge of his bunk, looking down at the other boy. “I’m going to Omega. Or Illium. I need to find Johnny. Seems like the best place to start looking. You?”

“Well,” Seth said, a faint pink tinge covering his throat, “got stopped by a recruiter today. Alliance, I mean. You know they pay for college, right? And once you’ve got a degree, you can commission over to an officer.”

“You thinking about it?” Jake asked, leaning over further so he could really look at him.

Seth shrugged a massive shoulder. “Yeah. I guess. Was thinking maybe we could go together.”

“Me? Alliance?” he asked.

Seth propped up on an elbow, his face taking on the animated expression it got when he was about to illustrate a point or make an argument. He held up a hand and started ticking off on his fingers. “First, you’re a biotic. They’d get you an implant, give you a decent job using them rather than shit labor that won’t pay enough for basic necessities, much less investigators and such. Second, you’d be getting real skills rather than becoming a mercenary or something while you search for him. Third...” his voice softened, “even if you can’t find him, it’ll give you the chance to help people. Won’t ever make up for the ones you lost, but maybe you can stop someone else from having to go through whatever you went through.”

Jake snorted. “A chance to kill fucking batarians, maybe. I can’t afford to give a shit about the whole galaxy or even humanity in general. I don’t like that I care what happens to _you_ and your family. Outside of that, I only care about finding Johnny. You aren’t gonna turn me into a hero, Seth.”

“Or that,” Seth said with a smirk. This was why Jake liked him. Didn’t matter what he popped out with. Seth didn’t get phased by it. “Doubt it would be wise to say that to the recruiter, though. Might want to work on your whole ‘I care about the fate of humanity’ facade.”

Jake chuckled. “You get me, dude.”

“So. Alliance after graduation?” he asked.

Jake rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling, considering the proposition. It had merit. God knew he didn’t know where to even begin looking for Johnny even if he made it to Omega or Illium. He’d need help. He’d need training if he was going to go up against the batarians.

Things had gotten marginally better as time went by. It didn’t _hurt_ any fucking less, but he was getting better at not thinking about it and accepting things the way they were now. Trying to fight it just made it harder. He couldn’t change it, so why keep slamming himself against a wall that wouldn’t break? Which meant at some point, he had to start figuring out the rest of his life. 

The thought still had panic bubbling up in his chest, but Seth wasn’t talking forever. They still planned things out, but it had gradually gone from moments to days and then to weeks and months. And now Seth was asking him to look a few years ahead. He couldn’t have done it six months ago or even two or three. But the years were going to pass whether he wanted them to or not, so he might as well figure out the next few. 

Hell, why not the Alliance? Maybe it would be what he needed. He couldn’t stay with the Hayworths forever. They were nice people and he cared about them, but they weren’t family. He didn’t want them to be. Johnny was out there. That was all he could handle worrying about. Seth had become a good friend, but he wasn’t a brother like Will had been. He was closer to what Ronnie and Dustin had been, and even that was closer than he’d intended to let him come. So, he was going to have to move out someday and that day was coming soon. The Alliance would give him somewhere to go and if he was lucky, he’d get a job that let him go into the Terminus.

“Why the hell not?” he said. Seth whooped and a large hand appeared over Jake’s head. He slapped his palm against it and flipped onto his belly so he could look down at him. “After graduation?”

“The very day,” Seth said with a grin. “We’ll go in together.”

“Okay.” 

Soldier, huh? Not what he’d imagined for himself, but the thought had been planted when the soldier told him to go find Johnny. He hadn’t really thought much of it then. He couldn’t do anything until he was eighteen, and that had seemed an eternity away. Now, it wasn’t that far away. Yeah, soldier would do as well as anything else, he supposed. And if he couldn’t find Johnny…

_Don’t go there, Jakey. Fuck off with that shit._

_Fucking miss you, Johnny-boy._

* * *

**From:** jake_shepard@atlgaearth.xnet

 **To:** johnny_shepard@mindoir.xnet

 **Date:** 25 AUG, 2171

 **Sender’s Location:** Atlanta, Georgia, Earth

 **Subject:**

Hey, baby.

I know you won’t get this, but I’d give anything to talk to you. So I’m going to pretend for today that things are normal and we’re just separated and I don’t want to die. 

I’m on Earth. Staying with this family named the Hayworth’s. Their son Seth is our age. He’s cool. You’d like him. We’re joining the Alliance after graduation. 

I’m going to find you, solnishka.

J


	6. Chapter 6

###  _November 26, 2171_

###  _One Year_

Everything hurt. His head pounded. Lightning writhed and raced across his nerve endings. His vision went white and blue and dark and blue again. He thought he heard himself groan, but couldn’t be sure. A large hand gently smoothed over his brow and placed a cool cloth on it, chasing the fire away for a few moments. 

“It’s okay, Jake. Just breathe. I’m here. You aren’t alone. The meds’ll kick in soon. Just another minute.”

“Johnny?” he whispered.

“Nope, it’s Seth. Breathe, okay?”

“Seth?” he asked as a rush of warmth washed through him, chasing the pain away. The lightning still ran, but it was familiar, if more intense than he was used to. 

“Right here,” he said again, his voice gentle. 

Calm flowed through him. Seth was here. It would be okay. Seth was always here. He’d walked through a worse hell with him than this. A teddy bear with teeth, keeping the demons at bay. He’d have been lost without him. 

_“Moya medvezhonok_ …”*. 

Seth chuckled, his hand smoothing over the top of his freshly-buzzed head, sending prickles of sensation over Jake’s scalp. “I don’t know what that means, but the first word sounded possessive, so I’ll take it as a good thing.”

“Head...hurts,” he groaned.

“I know, buddy. You got your implant, remember? The docs said it might be uncomfortable for a little while. It’ll be okay. You just gotta learn to get it under control.” 

Implant. The surgery. That’s why the lights were too bright and that annoying beep kept sounding behind his bed. He registered the squeak of shoes on the floor in the hallway, the sharp scent of antiseptic, the tug of the IV in his elbow. Familiar because he’d been there before. Only he’d woken up alone. He peeked an eye open and saw Seth leaning over him, long hair tied back at the base of his neck, concern shadowing his eyes and making the green pop out at him.

He nodded, eyes drifting closed as the pain medication fully overtook him. “ _Ya dumayo chto lyublyu vas_ ,”* he muttered inanely. 

Two days later, he was able to move around a bit, though he was still chained to the bed until he could get his biotics back under control. He held his hand out in front of him, fingers loosely cupped, picturing a blue flame dancing in his palm. He’d made it work pretty easily before the implant, but the doctors hadn’t been kidding about the enhancement. Before, it was like holding a candle. Now, it was like trying to wrangle a wildfire. At least it wasn’t red. Blue flame, he could handle. Red fire...he shuddered, losing what little he’d collected. 

Seth sat in the chair by his bed. He hadn’t left his side since he’d woken up. The Hayworths had been in and out, checking on him and bringing food and books and things for them to occupy themselves with, but they didn’t hover. He was grateful for that. Mrs. Hayworth already reminded him too much of Hannah. She thought he didn’t like her. The truth was that he didn’t _want_ to like her. He’d already lost one mom. 

“You almost got it that time,” Seth encouraged. “Try again.”

He pushed his thoughts away before they could go places he couldn’t bear and focused on his hand again, rereading the instructions explaining the process. He focused on gathering the energy in his hand and holding it like water, tight enough to keep it contained, loose enough that he didn’t squeeze it out and spill it. He’d already accidentally thrown his lunch tray across the room. Someone was supposed to come and start teaching him how to control his biotics, but he didn’t want to wait. If he could do this, maybe he could get out of the damn hospital and go back to the apartment that he still refused to label ‘home’ even in his head.

The blue glow wrapped around his hand, tendrils drifting up his forearm. He pushed them back down, imagining a force field around his wrist that the energy couldn’t penetrate. His body hummed, building up to the _click_ he’d feel when he got it right. It snapped into place and his eyes widened as he focused on holding it where it was. From the corner of his eye, he saw Seth raise his omni-tool, probably snapping a picture. It was enough to break his concentration, but he collapsed back against the bed with a triumphant sigh. He’d done it. Only a few seconds, but he’d done it. His omni-tool pinged, acknowledging the receipt of the picture, and he opened it. 

“Seriously, Seth. You _can_ go home. Get a shower. Real air. I'm fine. And you stink.”

“That any way to talk to the best friend who’s been steadfastly by your side through it all? I'm hurt.”

“Uh-huh. Get outta here. Take an hour for yourself.”

“You just want me out of the way so you can flirt with that nurse who's been eyeing you,” Seth laughed.

“He is cute,” Jake said, bobbing his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure which nurse he meant, but the joke was expected.

“If you say so,” Seth said with a shrug. “Tall, dark, and handsome seems to be your type. I prefer short and blonde.”

“Then why do you keep eyeing me in the showers?” Jake teased past the pang in his chest. He shouldn’t lead him on. There could be nothing between them. But he was so fucking lonely.

“Cause you've got dimples above your ass and I just can't resist. And you're a beast, man.”

“Rawr,” Jake grinned. He needed him to leave.

“Means ‘I love you’ in dinosaur,” Seth popped out, echoing the words Jake had said to Johnny more times than he could count. 

Guilt washed over him. He typed in Johnny’s email address and froze as his eyes caught the date. _Fuck_. Pain, completely unrelated to his recent brain surgery, lanced through him. He’d known it was coming, but he’d been trying not to think about it and now it had fucking _blindsided_ him. 

A year.

A year ago today, he'd been coming back on the bus, surrounded by his teammates, when the sirens began to scream and the longest two days of his life had begun. They'd been laughing one minute and silent and scared the next, staying where they were on the outskirts of town in the hopes of being overlooked. 

A year ago today, he'd sent the last string of messages with Johnny that he'd ever get a response from. It had been a year since he'd seen those beautiful silver-blue eyes sparkling with interest, that crooked, roguish smile, heard his voice bright with passion over something. A year since it had been silenced and stolen from him while Jake had been forced to carry on.

A year ago today, he'd left behind the bodies of the team he'd just been joking with and started a trek he'd never finish. _I've got to get home_. He hadn't realized then that home had ceased to exist and he wouldn't ever find it again. Home had turned into swirling ash and shells of buildings, rotting animals bloated and buzzing thick with flies, blackened bodies and the smell of charred meat and hair. He'd been there all alone but for the batarians, until they, too, had withdrawn from the settlement, leaving him all alone in the world, bleeding out on the ground fewer than a hundred yards from the place where home had died.

The haze of the pain meds was the only thing keeping him from going in search of a bottle. As it was, it hurt to breathe. _Fuck_ this day. He wished he hadn’t noticed. He wished he’d died. It wasn't supposed to be Seth and Jake or anyone else and Jake. It was supposed to be fuckin’ _Johnny_ and Jake against the goddamn world, but for all he knew, Johnny was fucking _dead_ and _rotting_ somewhere on another goddamn planet and he was stuck here, trying to figure out how to get through the dark when his sunshine was fucking gone. 

Damn it. 

* * *

**From:** jake_shepard@atlgaearth.xnet

 **To:** johnny_shepard@mindoir.xnet

 **Date:** 26 Nov, 2171

 **Sender’s Location:** Atlanta, Georgia, Earth

 **Subject:**

_Solnishka_

I can’t do this without you

J

* * *

He opened his omni-tool again and checked the time. The nurses weren't due for another fifteen minutes and Seth would be at least as long. These meds weren't doing shit for him, and the pain pump had a limit. Easy solution. He wasn't the greatest with tech, but he could hack a medical device. He just needed to change the parameters that determined how often it would dispense. 

A few tweaks and it truly was push-button. He'd left an interval so that the button getting held down wouldn't just send it wide open flooding into his veins, but he was in control. He could make it stop hurting. A coffee pot gurgled somewhere down the hall. His vision was blurring again, but the pain in his head was finally gone. A little more and maybe the pain in his chest would follow. 

The scent of scorched coffee wafted tendrils into the room, adding to the pounding in his chest. He slammed his thumb on the button of the pain pump. _Make it stop. Make it stop._ Burnt coffee was so much worse than burnt popcorn. Scorched coffee was what happened when the burnt popcorn scent of roasting flesh and the sickly sweet smell of burning household products and building materials combined, when the skin had turned to ash and the fat melted, when insulation and electronics, plastic and upholstery melted and burned. The room was Mindoir on fire and _Johnny never fucking answered_. 

He was gone. 

He was _dead_. Dead as Will. Dead as Hannah. 

Jake had been fooling himself. Johnny wasn’t out there waiting for him. All the people he'd ever known were dead. The batarians had wiped out the whole colony. Jake was the only one left. He couldn't do it. He couldn't handle that alone. He needed Johnny to be _alive_. That's all he asked. He just had to be there, somewhere. Someone else who knew what Hannah’s voice sounded like, the exact shade of Will’s hair, the way Thomas smelled, the sheer _length_ of the lashes that framed Maxine's beautiful fucking eyes. He needed someone else who'd seen those same eyes fixed and glazed in death. 

_Oh, my Johnny. My fucking Johnny. My goddamn solnishka, my sunshine. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried. I never should have left. Then we’d be together._

He couldn't do this. It hurt too fucking much. He was goddamn choking. He pressed down on the button to the pain pump as many times as he could hit it before the blessed dark closed in.

“ _Jake_! God damn it, wake up! The fuck did you do? _NURSE_! Someone! HELP! _NOW_! He's not fucking _breathing_! C’mon, baby. Stay with me. Don't leave me, Jacob. Don't do this to me. I love you.”

* * *

**From:** jake_shepard@atlgaearth.xnet

 **To:** johnny_shepard@mindoir.xnet

 **Date:** 27 Nov, 2171

 **Sender’s Location:** Atlanta, Georgia, Earth

 **Subject:** Narcan in the morning

I did something stupid. Seth found me and called the nurses. They sent me to mandatory fucking therapy before they’ll let me out of here. Because some goddamn shrink is gonna make it all better. What am I supposed to say? He wasn’t there. He won’t get it anyway. No one does but you, and I don’t need to tell you because you already know. He likes baseball, though, so maybe won’t be that bad after all. Didn’t put me on a couch and try to psychoanalyze me. Let me go outside. We threw a ball back and forth. Said we were working on hand-eye coordination after the surgery, but I think that was just an excuse to get the docs to let me out of bed. 

Can’t decide whether I’m pissed or grateful. I was disappointed when I opened my eyes. I miss you. 

J

* * *

“You! You have a goddamn death wish!” Seth raged. “One way or another, Johnny is _gone_. You are still _alive_. Get the fuck over it! I am so fucking _mad_ at you right now, I can’t fucking _see_ straight, Jacob!”

Jake sighed. “It was the anniversary. The nurses burned coffee in the hallway. You weren’t here. I lost my shit.”

“You tried to kill yourself, Jake,” Seth scowled. Tears pooled in his eyes, turning them golden like a sunset. “Do you really hate it here with me so much?” 

“No, Seth. No.” 

_Yes_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Moya medvezhonok: My teddy bear  
> 2\. Ya dumayo chto lyublyu vas: I think I love you


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

###  _February 3, 2172_

###  _Month Fifteen_

“You're doing that on purpose!” Seth exclaimed, hands moving quickly on the controller as he attempted to circle his avatar to avoid Jake’s attack. “That's cheating!”

“Taking tactical advantage of a mechanism built into the game,” Jake insisted, jerking his controller back when Seth tried to swat it away. 

“It's a fucking glitch!” Seth said. 

“Doesn't matter. You gonna fight fair or you gonna fight to win?”

Seth’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, you're gonna be like that, are you?”

“How else am I supposed to be?” Jake asked innocently, feeling a grin tug at his face. “And what’re you gonna do about it?”

“Take that controller away, for one. If you can't play fair, you don't get to play at all,” he taunted with a smirk. 

“You can't beat me otherwise, so you're gonna do it this way, huh?” Jake asked, wide-eyed.

“I'm gonna play to win,” Seth growled, springing for him. 

For such a big guy, he could _move_. Jake pulled away, but only succeeded in knocking himself onto his side. He held the controller out as far as he could and tried to throw Seth off his hip. The bigger boy just settled more firmly, reaching for the controller. They were almost the same height now, so he was able to keep it out of reach as long as Seth didn't lurch forward, which Jake wasn't about to let him do. Seth's eyes narrowed, and Jake jumped and shouted when he felt his fingers dig into his ribs and start fucking _tickling_. He curled around it, trying to shield himself, and the motion did exactly what Seth had planned. He plucked the controller from Jake’s hand with a triumphant grin and tossed it onto the chair in front of the desk. 

“Uncle!” Jake laughed. “You win, damn it!”

Seth froze, looking down at him with an expression Jake couldn't decipher. This close, he could pick out the shards of green embedded amidst the gold. They really were beautiful. They locked onto his mouth and the tension in Seth's body was the only warning he received before Seth’s lips, soft and full and warm, were on his. 

He froze, images of Johnny flashing through his head as pain sliced deep into him, threatening his resolve and smashing against the dam that held back the tidal wave of his pain. Seth’s hand slid up to cradle his face, the touch surprisingly gentle for someone who could crush his head without much effort. 

No one had _touched_ him since he left Mindoir. And god, he was so...fucking... _lonely_. His hand delved into the thick, silky hair framing their faces, pulling the other boy closer as the other fisted in his shirt, holding him there. _Make it stop hurting_. 

Seth's tongue swept into his mouth, confident where the first kiss with Johnny had been hesitant. He shut the comparisons off. There was no point. Seth was as different from Johnny as night from day. And maybe that was a good thing. Maybe then he could forget. 

He groaned, hooking his leg around Seth’s hip and rolling up into him. The Hayworths were gone for the day, on a buying trip in Charlotte for stuff for the restaurant. There was no one here to stop them, no one to interrupt and breathe sanity back into his head. He melted into the other boy, swallowing back the molten ball in his throat and focusing instead on the fire burning in his core, the massive, gentle hands drifting over his torso, the bulky, solid body under his fingers and pressed up against him.

Seth's hand delved into his gym shorts and wrapped around him, ripping a groan from his chest as he thrust against him. That seemed to break through whatever reserve Seth was holding onto because within a heartbeat, they were scrabbling for each other as clothing vanished under desperate hands. Jake rolled, pinning the other boy beneath him, and reveling in the absolutely shameless, filthy _moan_ that reverberated through Seth’s throat as Jake slid against him. _He_ 'd made him make that sound. He wanted to hear it again. And again. 

This wasn't like with Johnny. With him, they'd built up to it with flirting and kisses and stolen, secret touches whenever they could get alone so that by the time they'd finally come together, there was only one thought in either of their heads, but there'd been something more there, too. He _loved_ Johnny. With every fiber of his being. Stronger than he'd ever loved anyone or anything before. Given the choice, he'd still trade places with him, take his place in whatever hell Johnny was trapped in and let him go free. 

He liked Seth, but he didn't love him. He suspected Seth was in love with him and had been for awhile, but Jake just _wanted_ him. He wanted him to drive away the thoughts, to make him forget for a little while, to make him feel not so fucking _alone_. Johnny would get that, right? 

“Hey,” Seth murmured against his mouth. “Be here. With me. Not there. Just for a little while, be right here, right now.”

Jake nodded and let the thoughts slip away. He grounded himself firmly in the present, in the tension of Seth’s muscles, the spicy silk of his hair, the minty heat of his mouth, the way his body rolled and twisted beneath him. He focused on the give of the mattress and the too-loud rip of foil and the hot, smooth grip of Seth’s ass around him. He’d never topped before, and he couldn’t picture himself letting anyone but Johnny into his body. The difference separated them.

He kept his eyes open, watching, and that, too, grounded him. Seth’s head fell back, exposing the line of his throat, dark gold hair splaying across the pillow. The sounds that came from that throat were needy, intoxicating him all over again with the knowledge that _he_ was doing that. 

Sensation chased sensation, driving away the darkness and giving him a moment of fucking _peace_ in the midst of the hell his life had been from the moment the raid sirens sounded. And when he collapsed, sated, onto Seth’s chest and felt strong arms enclose him, he could almost pretend he was safe.

The sensation lasted until Seth moved beneath him, his muscular frame shifting against his chest, so different from the last body he’d held in the aftermath. A large, gentle hand traced the trio of scars on his right shoulder, marks from the bullets that had kept him from finding his family. Shame washed over him, flooding his lungs and carrying away the last of the temporary bliss in a riptide. This wasn’t Johnny. He wouldn’t ever be Johnny. 

_Oh, god, what have I done?_

* * *

**From:** jake_shepard@atlgaearth.xnet

 **To:** johnny_shepard@mindoir.xnet

 **Date:** 14 FEB, 2172

 **Sender’s Location:** Atlanta, Georgia, Earth

 **Subject:** Valentine’s day

So, there’s a holiday on Earth that revolves around little angels with bows and arrows and chocolate hearts and shit. It’s all about love and couples and…. God, I fucking miss you. I’m so lost, Johnny. I never had to stand up on my own. You were always there for me. Now, I have Seth, but I feel so guilty for leaning on him. I don’t love him. I love you. I will always love you. 

Graduation is coming up. I’m dreading it. They asked for a number of seats for the ‘family section.’ _Me._ The fuck, man? Everybody fucking knows… I think I’m gonna just sick out. Thought after...thought there wasn’t anything left I couldn’t do, but...yeah. Fuck it. I’m not going. We were supposed to walk the stage together. I can’t do it without you.

I’ve fucked things up, babe. Betrayed you. Screwed up the only friendship I’ve made since coming here. It’s only been a year and fuck, I just...everything’s falling apart. I need you. But I don’t even know if you’re alive. There was so much blood. Someone was dragged out of the house, but someone else died in the living room, and I don’t know if it was you or Thomas. 

I don’t even know whether to hope you were taken or died. Which is better? Which is worse? The whole world is gone, and I got left behind and I was too late to save you. I’m so sorry. I wish I’d died with you.

J 

* * *

Jake closed out his omni-tool and rolled onto his side, looking at Seth. They hadn’t talked since _it_ happened. The other boy was fiddling with the vid screen, about to watch a movie if the popcorn in the microwave on the dresser was any indication. The pops slowed to a stop and Seth cursed, leaping across the room and jerking the microwave door open. Jake opened his mouth to say... _something_...when the steam rolled out of the appliance and into the room, searing the scent of burnt popcorn into his nostrils.

_Everything was burning, illuminating the night with a sinister orange glow that licked and danced into the dark sky. Houses, grass, fields. The school was on fire. Jake rounded a corner, sticking to the shadows and looking around for any more of the four-eyed freaks raining hell on his home. Smoke coated his nostrils and burned his eyes, pungent with the sharp, sour smell of building materials._

_A new scent wafted over on the hazy breeze, a different kind of smoke mingling with that already roiling through the air. Someone was..._ burning popcorn _? That made no sense. He tried to reconcile the smell with the sight that greeted him across the street. A roaring blaze lit the center of the ball field, sinister shadows moving sinuously around it. He gasped, ash coating his tongue, and pressed his back to the wall of the one intact house on this part of the street._ Batarians _. They walked two-by-two between the fire and a shadowy pile on the baseball diamond, carrying something between them. He watched, riveted, his heart threatening to break through his chest, as the pair closest to the fire hefted their burden and tossed it into the flames._

_People._

_They were burning people._ That _was the smell. Human skin._

_The fire danced up, enhanced by the new fuel, sending another reeking wave toward him. His knees buckled and his stomach churned. Acid burned the back of his throat as he tried to expel the contents of his belly. There was nothing left. He hadn’t eaten since before the game and had spent all day hiding under the rapidly-cooling bodies of his teammates. Shame added to the burn in his eyes and hot tears cut tracks down his dirty face._

_Bile spilled out onto the ground at his feet. His knees buckled, cracking against the warm ground. Panicked sobs wracked his lean body. He couldn’t do this. It was too much. He was all alone, the only human left alive in all the world. No, he couldn’t afford to think like that. Johnny. He had to get to Johnny. He pushed to his feet, swaying as he tried to ignore the thought that the ash melting on his tongue was made up of fucking people._

Jake leaped off the bunk, bolting for the bathroom with his hand clapped over his mouth. He made it to the toilet in time and heaved, wrapping his fingers around the rim of the bowl as his body shook. The scent of burned popcorn followed him into the room, chasing him with memories he’d fought to bury along with the rest of his dead. A shoe scraped in the doorway and a shadow fell over him. His body convulsed, rejecting what he couldn’t accept, the one thing he couldn’t afford to remember or he’d go utterly and completely insane.

“Jake?” Seth’s voice was lined with concern. “What’s wrong? Are you sick? Did you eat something bad?” The bigger boy crouched beside him, hesitantly placing his hand on his back and rubbing soft circles into his shirt. “It’s ok, Jake. You’re okay. Get that poison out. You’ll be alright.”

There was nothing left to expel. He sank back onto his heels, curling into a crouch with his hands fisted in his hair, pulling hard enough to bring tears to his eyes. Wordless screams tore from his throat as he rocked himself, grasping desperately at the pieces of his shattered soul. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t fucking do this. It was too big. It was choking him. He didn’t _want_ to do this. He’d rather fucking die. He just wanted to lay down beside Johnny and be done with this. 

Strong arms wrapped around him, holding him tight against a broad chest. Holding him together. He turned and buried his face into Seth’s neck, fighting the tears that threatened to spill over. He couldn’t cry. If he started, he’d never stop. He’d just keep crying forever and ever until he dried out and drifted away on the wind like so much ash himself. His fingers dug into the muscle of Seth’s shoulders, but the boy didn’t complain. He just held him tighter. 

“Get it out, Jake,” he said softly. “Let it out. Scream if you have to.” Seth shifted as footsteps announced the presence of another person and Jake felt him lift his hand and wave them off. “It’s okay, Mom,” he said. “I’ve got him. I think it’s something about the smell. He got sick as soon as I opened the microwave. Can you air the room out?”

“Of course, honey,” she said gently. “Don’t be ashamed, Jacob, sweetie. Everyone in this house has been where you are now.”

“Mom,” Seth said softly as Jake tensed. “I don’t think he can handle that right now. Just...get the smell out.” Seth’s arms came back around him, a large hand cradling the back of his head. “It’s okay, Jake. I’m here. You aren’t alone unless you want to be.”

“Don’t...don’t go…” he gasped, the breath hiccuping in his chest. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Jacob. You’re okay.”

Jake didn’t know how long they sat there like that, just that his knees were aching and his thighs were numb by the time he finally collapsed back against the cool surface of the bathtub. Seth released him, shifting to sit beside him, curled almost comically to fit in the cramped space between the tub and sink. 

He needed to talk to him. Seth was the best friend he had. He’d been there for him through those first horrible months when the words wouldn’t come and anybody else would’ve given up. He’d sat with him when he needed to be quiet, dragged him screaming out of nightmares, made him laugh, given him a reason to take just one more bite and then another and another until he’d almost chewed through this first ashy, unpalatable year. He deserved better than this. 

“I haven’t told you everything about Johnny,” he whispered. Seth’s shoulders straightened, but he didn’t otherwise move. “He was my first...everything, really. I still love him.”

“I know,” Seth said softly, not looking at him. “You talk to him in your sleep sometimes. When you wake up from your nightmares, you’re always screaming for him. And you always sleep with that old hat. I thought he was a brother or something at first, but after the other day, it clicked.”

“I can’t remember what he smelled like,” he confessed. “I’m afraid of losing him, but I can’t think about him. If I do…”

“Took me a long time to be able to think about Becca, too,” Seth said. “We were close. Did everything together. She used to annoy the hell out of me, following me around everywhere. Wanted to be just like me. Once she got older, though...I could talk to her about anything. She was the first person I told about liking boys. She introduced me to my first boyfriend, Tommy. She was always there for me, y’know? And then, one day, she just wasn’t there anymore. Still feels like I got stepped on by an elephant some days.”

Jake raked his hands through his hair. “I don’t know if this, what happened the other day, I don’t know if it’s okay, but I’ve been an ass. I just...I feel like I...I don’t think I’m ready to move on yet.”

Seth finally turned to face him, hazel eyes swimming. “You don’t have to, Jake. Sure, I like you. I’ve liked you for a long time now, but I know you’re not ready. I shouldn’t have pushed. I just...you laughed. I’ve never heard you laugh before and...I thought maybe it was healing a little. But it was too soon and that’s okay. I just don’t want this.” He gestured between them. “I don’t want to not talk and avoid each other in the halls at school. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose that. We don’t ever have to do that again if you don’t want to. If someday you decide you do, we’ll try again. But there’s no pressure. Just don’t disappear on me, okay?”

Jake nodded. 

“I’m glad you told me. About Johnny. You don’t really talk about anything before you came here. I want to know you. That’s a part of you. He’s a part of you. Even if he’s gone.”

“I can’t, Seth,” he whispered. “I can’t talk about it.”

“What about little things?” he asked, propping an elbow on the edge of the bathtub. “You have an accent and you speak a different language in your sleep when you aren’t talking to Johnny. What is it?”

“Russian,” he said, drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. “Mat, my mother, and my father emigrated to the colony from Russia. It’s all we spoke at home.” 

Seth snickered and Jake raised his head to look at him. “And here I thought it was some exotic colony language.”

“I, uh, don’t think we’ve been on the colonies long enough for that to happen,” Jake said with a half smile.

“I’ve never left Atlanta,” Seth said. “Leave me my dreams of exciting far-off places. What’re the colonies like? Can you talk about that?”

Jake shrugged a shoulder. “I’ve only been to mine. Rural, I guess. Quiet. No neon. Wide, open spaces.”

“Like the Wild West,” Seth said.

“Kinda,” he choked out, remembering his rides into the desert with Johnny. 

_Johnny...Where the hell are you? What happened to you? Is anyone else out there looking for you?_

“Ok, too much,” Seth said. His brow furrowed. “Was your school bigger or smaller than ours?”

“Smaller,” Jake said. “Much, much smaller.”

“And...you played sports. Does that mean you were a jock?” he asked slowly, a soft, teasing grin playing over his face.

Jake shrugged. “I guess.”

“Did you have any brothers or sisters?” he asked. “If that’s too much, it’s ok.”

“No, it’s just...long story. Brother and sister. Sorta. Johnny’s.” He swallowed. “I’m sorry, I really can’t.”

Seth wrapped him up in another hug. “It’s okay. It’s a start. Healing is slow, Jake. Be patient with yourself.”


	8. Chapter 8

###  _ April 5, 2172  _

###  _ Month Seventeen _

Jake’s knee bounced under the blue and silver graduation gown as he tapped his foot against the stage and looked out at the family section again. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and the pang of heartache and loneliness that accompanied it. 

He should’ve skipped like he’d planned. He hadn’t wanted to come for this very reason. Everyone else’s families had gone all out to be here. Seth’s friend Warren had  _ twenty people _ in attendance. Twenty fucking people just to watch him walk across a stage. And Seth had almost a dozen. In addition to his parents, there were grandparents and a plethora of aunts, uncles, and cousins. The family section was packed, not a seat left empty. Except his. 

The speeches had all been given—Seth had  _ rocked _ the valedictorian’s speech, momentarily distracting him—and now they were on the Ls. Seth had already received his diploma and was waiting with the others. Damn it. The whole thing was moving too slow. He needed to get out of here.

He glanced out again at the sea of faces. Hundreds of people out there and not one was his. If he’d been on Mindoir, he would have known most of the people there by sight if not by name. And he and Johnny would’ve been graduating together, so the whole family would have been there. That was how it was supposed to go. Not him sitting alone on a foreign planet under a weird blue sky staring at a sea of faces that didn’t give two shits whether he was here or not.

Maybe he could just go. No one would notice but Seth, and he’d understand. Hell, he’d probably stashed a bottle of stolen whiskey or something for him somewhere just in case. That’s what he’d do. Find Seth. Figure out where it was. Find a rooftop or something to go hide on where he couldn’t see the other buildings and all the fucking neon and pretend it was a field back home. He slid his feet back, preparing to get up. 

“Jacob Shepard.” 

A cheer went up at his name. He looked out to find the Hayworths on their feet with a banner just like the one they’d made for Seth. Mrs. Hayworth stuck two fingers in her mouth and whistled brightly. Jake waved at them and turned, locking eyes with his friend and managing a wavering smile. They kept up the celebration as he forced himself step by step across the stage, accepted his diploma without hearing what the principal said, and crossed over to where Seth was waiting.

He wasn’t alone, but every step felt like betrayal. Johnny would never get to do this. This was the point where their plans had begun. College. Home. Adopted kids—human and goat—and family nearby. Instead, he was standing with someone who’d been a stranger little more than a year before. 

This wasn’t how his life was supposed to begin. 

* * *

“You sure about this, Jacob?” Seth asked, looking up at him.

“You having second thoughts,  _ medvezhonok _ ?” he asked. 

“No. Just want to make sure you’re sure before we sign our lives away.”

The recruiter’s office smelled like old coffee, close enough to burnt to have him on edge, but not so close to put him into a full-blown tailspin like it had in the hospital when he got his implant. 

He forced it out of his mind and looked at Seth. It was Jake’s eighteenth birthday. He was trying not to think about it. Seth had been disappointed at first that he didn’t want to celebrate but had reasoned that if it hurt, it wasn’t a celebration. They’d come to enlist instead. 

He was an adult now. Johnny probably never would be. Eternally sixteen. Jake tried not to think about it. 

Seth wasn’t a biotic, so they’d be separated for training, but they were guaranteed at least their first duty station together. Maybe more later. It was good enough for now. Jake had been told the placement of his eezo nodes made him a vanguard. Something about having them in his right heel where the other classes didn’t. He’d be going to biotics school in Vancouver after basic. Seth was going to sniper school. He certainly had the patience for it and could be unobtrusive when he wanted to be. 

Jake had no doubt anymore that this was what he wanted to do. It was almost a year and a half since the raid and Johnny and Thomas were still missing. Jake had come to suspect they were both dead. It was simply the only way he could deal with it when he couldn’t do anything about it. If he thought about Johnny being out there somewhere, tortured, enslaved, drugged, wanting to die, he would lose his mind. What was left of it, anyway. He wasn’t always sure about that, even after months of therapy. Doc Jones had done his best, but there were limits. 

_ You can’t change it, right? It’s already over. The worst has happened and you’re still here, still standing. _

_ Yeah, so? You gonna tell me there’s some grand design to it? Some reason I’m here and they aren’t? God’s will or some shit? Because if this is God’s will, he’s a fucking sadist. _

_ I leave the theology to the clergy. Figuring out why it happened isn’t my job. My job is to help you survive the aftermath and maybe find some peace. _

_ And how am I supposed to do that? _

_ How do you think?  _

_ Fuck if I know. Why am I the one supposed to have the answers? If I had ‘em, I wouldn’t be here. _

_ You can bitch and moan about it or you can accept that it is what it is. If there’s nothing you can do to change it, then all you do by worrying and wallowing is make yourself more miserable than you have to be. Find the good that’s left. Focus on that. The worst thing that could possibly happen to you  _ has already happened _. It’s done. You’re past it. You survived it. A lot of people wouldn’t have. You’re tougher than you give yourself credit for. Use that. What happened to you can be your weakness or it can be your strength. You’re the one who decides which it’ll be.  _

There was nothing he could do for Johnny stuck here on Earth, and his opportunities were limited outside the Alliance. Biotics weren’t  _ as  _ feared here as they had been back home, but they still weren’t welcomed with open arms. They were in the Alliance. Joining would give him resources, connections, and opportunities he wouldn’t otherwise have. 

He might not ever find Johnny, but damn it, he would  _ try _ . He could no more just write him off than he could have run away on Mindoir. And maybe...maybe if he could find him, he could save him. 

“I’m sure,” he said, signing his name on the datapad. Seth followed, looking up at him again. 

It was done. They were joining the Alliance. Once basic was over, they were starting college, too, with the intent to commission once they had their degrees. Together, like they’d done everything over the past year. He still missed Ronnie and Dustin, but Seth was the best friend he’d ever had. He was the light that kept the darkness at bay. 

It terrified him to need someone the way he did Seth, but he couldn’t deny that he did. He was going for Johnny. Seth knew that, and he still wanted him. Johnny wouldn’t begrudge him someone to hold him in the night while he was looking, would he? So, when they left the recruiter’s office, Jake reached out and took him by the elbow, turning him to face him. Hazel eyes glowed with hope as Jake’s arms slid around his waist. 

“Just...don’t die on me, okay?” Jake said, hating the waver in his voice. That was supposed to sound teasing. He’d missed his mark. 

Seth’s face softened, his hand sliding along Jake’s jaw, his head tipping down. “Does this mean what I hope it means?”

Jake pressed into the touch, closing his eyes, and nodded. “Moving forward, not letting go, right?” He swallowed hard.

Seth’s lips feathered over his. “Right,” he whispered. “You can love more than one person, you know. I don’t expect you to stop loving him for me. Just...love me, too, okay?”

Jake exhaled a shaky breath. That was okay. Johnny would understand that. He’d tell him to fucking go for it. Jake couldn’t handle the idea of spending the rest of his life alone. It was too much. He wouldn’t want Johnny to be alone forever, either. He could love Seth without letting Johnny go. 

“I can do that.”

Seth closed the distance between their lips and Jake sighed against him, threading his fingers through the hair that would soon litter the floor of a military barber shop. He was going to miss Seth’s hair. Long hair on guys had never been his thing, but Seth wouldn’t look like himself without it, and he liked the way the silky strands felt between his fingers. Lightning danced under his skin. Seth smiled against his mouth, keeping the kiss gentle, making Jake forget that they were standing on a sidewalk in the middle of downtown. 

At least, he forgot until someone behind them said, “Oh, look. A freak and a fag.”

“Yeah, but which one’s which?” another person asked.

Seth stiffened, grumbling deep in his chest. He and Jake looked back at the boys stopped a few feet away and snapped, “Fuck off.”

“Oooh, scary,” the burlier one cooed. “What’re you gonna do? Glow blue at me?”

The smaller one bent and scooped up a large rock. He threw it hard at Seth and ran with his buddy hard on his heels. Years of muscle memory from baseball had Jake catching it before it could hit him. Jake and Seth looked at each other and sprinted after them. They were fast, but Jake was faster. He caught up to them easily, and he and Seth dragged them into an alleyway. 

Ten minutes later, their knuckles were swollen and bruised. Seth’s nose was bleeding and Jake’s lip was split, but they were grinning at each other in front of a tattoo parlor. Seth grabbed his hand, careful to avoid his knuckles, and dragged him inside. 

“C’mon. You’ve been talking about getting one for months. You’re eighteen now. You can.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t decided what I want,” Jake protested.

“Top of your head. First thing that comes to mind. Go.”

“Star Trek symbol,” Jake said, swallowing hard. Yeah. Fitting. 

“Thought you didn’t like Star Trek,” Seth said, browsing through designs on a kiosk. 

“ _ I _ don’t. Not really.”

Seth turned, eyes widening in realization. “Ohhh.” He blinked and then gave Jake a soft smile. “Y’know what? I think that’d be perfect. Especially today. Moving forward, not letting go. Where d’you want it?”

Jake tapped his chest over his heart. “Where else, right? That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“It’s just right,” Seth said, sliding an arm around him. “C’mon. Let’s do this.”

Jake sat down in a chair in the open bay of the parlor and stripped off his shirt. He squeezed his eyes shut as the artist prepared the supplies and began putting ink to skin. It was less painful than he’d expected. Physically, at least. And it  _ should  _ hurt some, getting Johnny etched into his flesh. 

He’d probably be laughing his ass off right about now.  _ Jake _ with a fuckin’ Star Trek tattoo. He’d have been crowing. It helped, thinking about him laughing, silver-blue eyes sparkling, instead of that terrible mental image that had haunted him since he’d realized that the blood in the living room might have been Johnny’s instead of Thomas’. For the first time in more than a year, he saw  _ Johnny _ rather than a corpse. That was worth a little pain. 

They walked hand-in-hand back to the apartment, their fingers covering each other’s bruised knuckles. Mrs. Hayworth’s eyes widened at the sight of them holding hands when they walked in, but she recovered quickly. 

“Did you boys get signed up?”

“Yeah, Mom. We did,” Seth said, sliding an arm around Jake’s shoulders. 

“That’s good,” she said, going into the kitchen. “Jake, since it’s your birthday, I thought we could celebrate. I made you a cake. You like chocolate, right?”

Jake stiffened and looked helplessly up at Seth. He didn’t want to insult Mrs. Hayworth or hurt her feelings, but thinking about his birthday made his stomach churn. 

Seth nuzzled the top of his head and whispered, “We’ll celebrate joining up instead, how about that?”

“Yeah,” Jake said. “Yeah. That works.”  _ One step at a time, right? _


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

###  July 17, 2173

###  Year Two

“I’m not fucking doing that.”

“Sorry, man. You picked dare. You gotta do it.”

“I am  _ not _ doing that. What’s the other option?”

“Your nipples  _ and _ your scrote.”

“Oh, fuck  _ that _ . No. Gimme something that doesn’t involve fuckin’ needles in my junk.”

“Nope. I gave you your options, Jacob. Pick one.”

Jake put his half-empty bottle of whiskey on the table and lurched toward his not-boyfriend, catching him by the skin-warmed dog tags hanging around his neck. His knuckles brushed over bare flesh and soft, downy hair. Large hands wrapped around his hips, steadying him as he straddled Seth’s lap, his knees sinking into the bed. His lips brushed over Seth’s jaw, causing the other man’s head to tip back. Stubble scraped under his teeth when he nipped him and Seth groaned softly, lifting his hips to meet Jake’s.

Desire, headier than the liquor warming his veins, shot through him. He rocked himself against the other man, savoring the hard press of flesh through fabric. Fingers tightened on his hips when his hand slipped down the burly chest to pluck at the waistband of the flannel pajama pants Seth preferred. Lips and teeth clashed as Jake wrapped a hand around him, stroking him hard. Seth’s moan tore from his chest as his hips bucked.

“Don’t wanna go slow,” Jake murmured against his mouth, reaching for the lube on the bedside table. 

“Then don’t,” Seth gasped, squirming out of his pants, the motion moving him against Jake.

Jake popped the cap on the lube, pouring the slippery liquid over his fingers, and pressed two against him, shoving the bigger man against the bed with a hand against his sternum. Jake had initially assumed, given his boyfriend’s gentle nature, that he’d want to be pampered and cherished and he’d been happy to do it. But Seth had finally come to him, requesting a change, and he’d been just as happy to give it to him. 

He pushed into him, watching Seth’s adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, pressing back against Jake’s hand. Jake worked him swiftly, bringing him to the edge before withdrawing and yanking his own pants down. 

He hitched one of Seth’s thighs over his arm and positioned himself, waiting for the nod before thrusting forward, releasing his own groan as he was enveloped in velvet heat.  _ Fuck _ , he loved that feeling. He leaned down, spreading Seth further, and began to move. 

Seth’s ear was soft against his lips as he murmured, “Can’t do this if I take your dare. Not for weeks and weeks. You really gonna go that long?”

“Can still get fucked,” Seth pointed out, his hips moving in tandem with Jake’s. “Just not by you.”

Jake nipped his ear, chuckling in spite of himself. “Snarky little shit. You know what I mean.” He gave a long, hard roll of his hips to punctuate his point.

“Worth the wait,” Seth gasped, bowing up into him. “What’s wrong? You scared?”

“You are just  _ asking _ for it tonight, aren’t you,  _ Set _ ?” he grinned before biting the side of his neck. “You know I don’t play when we’re drinking, so give it up.”

“Never known you to...to back down from a...from a dare,” Seth panted, wrapping a heavily-muscled leg around Jake’s trim waist. 

His hands found Jake’s chest, thumbs brushing over his nipples. Jake shuddered and dropped his head, his tongue playing over the beads of the bar through one of Seth’s. A surprise for his last birthday. And what a surprise it had been, especially once they’d healed.

“Nipples, not scrote,” Jake countered, sucking the barbell into his mouth and gently pressing his teeth behind it. 

Seth arched against him, his body limber for all its size. The tight clasp of his muscles sent heat spearing through his core. He drove deeper, angling Seth’s hips with an arm around his waist so that he dragged over the other man’s spot. 

“ _ Jake _ ! Fuck!”

“Uh-uh. We’re negotiating. You give me what I want; I give you what you want.”

“You...are a fucking...dick…” Seth groaned. 

Jake grinned against his chest and rolled his hips again. “C’mon now, There’s more to me than that.”

“Fuck. Me. God.”

He smirked and shifted to brush his lips over Seth’s, the motion pushing him deeper. “I prefer ‘Jake’.”

“You arrogant bastard,” Seth groaned. 

He laughed, burying his hand in Seth’s short hair, and began to move in earnest. They’d been stationed apart for the last six months since Jake had taken a round to the hip and Seth had panicked, revealing the nature of their relationship and causing the brass to label them a liability. 

Six  _ long...fucking...months _ apart, and this was their first night of shore leave together. He kissed him deep and hard, driving into him. Seth moaned on each thrust, meeting his motion and driving down onto him. 

_ Holy. Fuck. _

Like many military couples, they had no expectation of exclusivity, especially when stationed apart, and neither of them truly wanted it. One-night stands were allowed and even encouraged for both of them and they were fine, but  _ this _ ...oh, god,  _ this  _ was what he craved. More than was safe or smart. 

He didn’t have to tell Seth how to move or where to touch. There was no question about who went where or did what. Seth knew him almost as well as he knew himself. Strangers provided variety and kept things interesting, gave him a buffer from coming to rely any more fully on one person than he already did, and were just fucking  _ fun _ sometimes, but Seth? Seth was  _ his _ .

He wrapped a hand around the other man’s length and stroked in time with his hips. Seth’s lips parted, his heel digging into the back of Jake’s thigh, fingers leaving indentations over his hips. Jake watched him move as his breath quickened. 

“Oh, fuck,  _ Jake... _ ” Seth moaned, his rhythm faltering and hands releasing him to clench the sheets. 

That, too, did things to his insides. He always liked hearing his name on his partners’ lips, but Seth made it sound like a fuckin’  _ prayer _ . 

He shuddered and drew the other barbell into his mouth, fluttering his tongue over the nipple. Seth’s body bowed off of the mattress as he pulsed in his hand, his ass tightening around him and sending heat spearing through him. He thrust deep, clutching Seth to him, and buried his face in his shoulder, breathing hard and trembling. 

Seth’s hands came up to lazily stroke his spine. “That means you’ll do it, right?”

“I fucking hate you,” Jake huffed, collapsing against his chest.

“I fuckin’ hate you, too. You’re still getting your dick pierced.”

“Rawr,” Jake snarled, playfully biting the other man’s shoulder.

“Means ‘I love you’ in dinosaur,” Seth responded back. It was the only way Jake would allow himself to say it. 

He’d burned every day of his leave for the past two years looking for Johnny. Omega had turned up no trace of him. Illium was a dead end. He’d even paid a series of information brokers who’d found nothing. Now, he was saving enough for the Shadow Broker itself. He didn’t hold out much hope. There had been so much blood. 

* * *

A week later, Jake sat in the private room of a tattoo parlor with his pants open. Seth leaned against the wall with a satisfied smirk on his face. Jake raised a brow at him as the short blonde woman explained the procedure in a bored tone and marked the positioning. He leaned his head back against the chair and stared up at the ceiling. 

“Want me to hold your hand?” Seth asked, half-teasing and half-serious.

“Ha! I got this. Takes more than that to get me—ah,  _ fuck! _ ” He winced as the needle pierced through his urethra. 

The blonde inserted the curved barbell with a practiced motion and sat back. “How’s that?” she asked.

Jake looked down through watering eyes. “It’s good,” he said, blowing out a breath and leaning his head back again.  _ Shit _ , that hurt. Seth owed him. Big time. 

The blonde stripped off her gloves and tossed them in the trash, reciting the aftercare requirements by rote. He nodded acknowledgement, but his brow rose when she added, “No sex, no oral, no self-stimulation for the next six weeks. Wear a condom for the next six weeks after that to ensure it’s fully healed.”

“Wait,  _ what _ ?” Jake asked incredulously. He couldn’t get off at all for  _ six weeks _ ?!

“Stimulation around the piercing in the first six weeks can create micro-tears and provide a vector for infection. Trust me on this one. It’s not pretty.” 

He glared at Seth. “You owe me  _ so hard _ .”

“Yep,” Seth said with a grin. “In six weeks.”

“I fucking hate you,” he groaned, closing his jeans.

“Hate you, too, baby.”

He nudged Seth’s shoulder as they exited the parlor. “Well, that confirms it. If there’d been any doubt before, it’s gone now.”

“What?” Seth asked.

“First time a woman’s gotten her hands on me and she fuckin’ stabbed me,” Jake muttered.

Seth laughed and hooked an arm around his shoulders. “I don’t think that’s a representative experience, buddy, but whatever flies your starship.”

“Six fucking weeks...” 


	10. Chapter 10

###  _May 9, 2174_

###  _Year Three_

Dust puffed up around Jake’s boots as he jumped out of the Mako and drew his shotgun. Another day. Another colony. And he was too late. Again. The times before, they’d at least been close enough behind that they’d gotten the raiders on the run. They hadn’t saved the colonists, but they’d taken out the attackers. This time, though, someone had been asleep on the job. The intel on the raid had come too late. They’d been too far away. The pirates were long gone. All that remained was cleanup. He still had to clear the colony for the recovery teams, but from the looks of this place, there would be nothing to find but death. Goddamn batarians.

He motioned Fendley and Vega to follow him. Green as grass, those two, but they kept their mouths shut and did their jobs. Didn’t really matter this time. There was nowhere to hide. All that remained were the burned out husks of prefabs that had once held families and hope. This was the first time he’d seen a colony completely razed, and he had to actively work not to overlay Mindoir onto the colony. Ash and dust danced with curled bits of singed paper across abandoned streets. 

“Don’t think I’ve ever heard a colony this quiet, LT,” Vega whispered as if speaking normally would disturb the ghosts. “It’s creepy.”

“Like walking through a mass grave,” Fendley agreed in the same hushed tone as they turned down the street that would lead to the square if this colony’s layout was the same as the last.

“What do you see, Vega?” he asked. “More specifically, what _don’t_ you see?”

Deep brown eyes sharpened and scanned the ruins. “No bodies in the pen. They got away with ‘em this time instead of killing them all. _Mierda_!”

His boot tapped a rock, sending it skittering off the road into the scorched grass. When it stopped, he recognized his mistake. “Not all of them,” he said, shaking his head. Not a rock, either. 

“Madre de Dios,” Vega breathed. “They tried to run.”

“Raiders probably firebombed from orbit when they left,” he said. “Look at the damage pattern. This wasn’t set from the ground.” Behind him, Fendley muttered something under his breath and he turned her head to look at him. “Something to say, Marine?”

“No, sir.”

“No. You’ve got commentary. Let’s hear it.”

Fendley swallowed hard before squaring his shoulders and saying defiantly, “I said I’d heard you were a cold bastard, but I didn’t realize you had ice water in your veins, sir.”

A muscle in his jaw ticked. “What? You expect me to cry? They’re dead. We were too late. Not our fault. Nothing we can do but make sure it’s safe for the recovery team to come in and collect the remains.” 

“You can really look at this and not feel _anything_ , sir?” he asked. 

“Frustrated, Fendley. I feel frustrated.” He directed them into the grass where the scattered bones were less numerous. 

“That’s it?” he asked. “Just frustrated? Like...the way you feel when you can’t get a stubborn lock to open?”

No. Not at all. But if they knew how on edge these damned missions put him, they’d likely request a transfer and he didn’t want to train a new team. He hated this place. He hated the memories that tried to surface. The only upside to all of this was that Seth wasn’t here. He’d probably lose his shit if he was. 

“Focus on the mission, Fendley. You can feel it later.” 

They came to a two-story prefab that was still mostly standing. Jake motioned for Fendley to wait outside while he and Vega cleared the building. The fire had licked at the exterior walls, but inside was relatively untouched. A chair lay on its back in the kitchen. Dishes with food rotting on them topped the table. At home, there would have been gnats hovering around the putrid meal, but this planet didn’t seem to have them. Little purple bugs that looked like maggots crawled over the plates instead. Vega made a sound of disgust and turned away. Jake pushed away the memory of his mother facedown on the kitchen table with an empty vodka bottle and a hole in her head.

He climbed the stairs, keeping his back to the wall, and covered Vega as he cleared the hallway. The upper level held a trio of bedrooms set up exactly like the Shepard house. Two of them were empty. The smell told him what the third held even through the closed door. He found himself looking for Will in the hallway and half-expected to open the door to find Hannah and Maxine. Decomp was a stench you never forgot. Vega put the back of his hand under his nose and curled his lip. 

“Menthol rub,” he suggested, flattening himself against the wall before removing a small tin from a compartment in his armor.

“What?” he asked, grimacing.

“Menthol rub. Blocks the smell. Keep it on you.” He demonstrated by swiping a dollop of the ointment over his upper lip and tossed the tin to the other man. Vega copied him and returned it. “Ready?”

“Are you ever?”

“Fuck, no,” he said and motioned for Vega to open the door. 

He pushed it and Jake leaned around the frame, searching first for potential enemies and then taking in the contents of the room. An elderly couple, their bodies bloated from the heat, held each other in the bed. Neat round holes glazed with blackened blood decorated their foreheads. Looked like they hadn’t even woken up. Must have been one of the first victims, then. Lucky bastards.

“It’s clear. Move out.”

They rejoined Fendley outside and Jake dragged in a deep breath of the smoky air. It was just as bad as the stench inside, acrid enough to burn the scent of gore from his sinuses. He didn’t know if it was good or bad that he’d gotten accustomed to the scent of smoke and death. He still hated it, but he no longer panicked over it. 

The pair followed him down the street, sweeping as they went, to the town square they’d spotted from the end of the road. As Vega had noted, the pen was empty. At every other colony, they’d been littered with bodies. Whether they accomplished their goal or not, the fucking batarians left no survivors behind. Scum of the goddamn galaxy, that’s what they were. 

There was nothing to find here. The colony was dead and empty. The raiders were long gone. There was no one left to bear witness. Like home, only they hadn’t found any dying teenagers. 

“I think we’re about done here.” One more street and the recovery team could move in. 

“Lieutenant Shepard!” Fendley called out across the pen. “Got something you might want to see.”

“What is it, Fendley?” he asked, jogging around the hastily erected barrier. 

The dusky Marine stood over a fallen body clad in patchwork armor. When he moved away, Jake saw the slick, shiny scalp of a dead batarian. Grim satisfaction curled his lips. Somebody got some, at least.

“Well, what have we here?” 

He knelt down in the dirt beside the body, and turned it onto its back. The alien’s sightless eyes were open and glazed, his deformed face contorted into an expression of surprise. No one ever expected to die. 

He popped the batarian’s omni-tool chip out, doubting he would get anything more from it than they had the ones before, but unwilling to let possible intel pass by. _He_ didn’t sleep on the goddamn job, and any clue might lead him to Johnny. He searched the compartments in his armor, finding a second chip, and grinned fiercely. _This_ might have something. Before he stood, Jake drove his armored thumbs through the alien’s eyes. 

“These people don’t get to leave this place. You don’t, either,” he snarled under his breath. “Spend eternity in the hell you created, you sick fuck.”

They moved down the final street, finding nothing until the end. The last house they came to was in similar condition to the one with the elderly couple but lacked the stench of death. Fendley accompanied him this time, and when he pulled back the curtain on the shower in the silent bathroom, he found himself with an armful of raging teenage girl. 

The girl’s fist drove into his armored belly and Jake barely managed to dodge the hammer she aimed at his head. Jake caught her by the arm and spun her so that her back was to Jake’s chest. The girl was almost as tall as he was, aided further by the slight elevation of the shower floor, and she slammed the back of her head into Jake’s chin. He grunted and wrapped his arms under hers, locking his hands behind her neck. 

“Calm down!” Jake ordered, dragging her out of the confined space. “I’m Lieutenant Shepard. Alliance Navy. I’m here to help.”

“Let me go!” she railed, thrashing against his hold. He tightened his grip and pulled her down the hall. 

“I’ll let go once you calm down,” he informed her soothingly. “What’s your name?”

“Roxie,” the girl bit out, finally going still. 

Jake eased up but didn’t release her yet. “All right, Roxie. Do you know where your parents are?”

“Dead. Down the street. Couldn’t stay there. My brother...they got my brother. Sam.” 

“Do you know where they took him?” he asked gently.

The girl, who couldn’t be older than Jake was when his home was raided, shook her head. “They didn’t take him. He fought, so they killed him. I hid. Then they took off and the bombs started dropping.”

She began to tremble, so he released her. She sank down into a crouch and fisted her hands alongside her head. His heart twisted, knowing that her battle was only beginning. He could take her somewhere safe, but she would never really leave this place any more than he’d ever left Mindoir. 

“They took him. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t reach him. I tried,” she wailed, looking up at him with eyes the color of dirty snow, begging him for something he might be able to give her now because he was here, because he’d seen it.

He knelt in front of her and put his hand on her shoulder, ignoring Fendley’s stunned expression. “It’s not your fault, Roxie. _Poslushay menya_. Listen to me. Hear me. This is _not your fault_. You were caught in an impossible situation. There was nothing you could do.”

“What the hell do you know about it?” she demanded, pulling at her hair. 

“I was the sole survivor of the Mindoir raid,” he told her. “Everything you see here, I’ve seen, too. You couldn’t have stopped it. You couldn’t have changed it if you’d tried. You’d just be dead, too.”

“Maybe that would be better,” she said bleakly, her pale eyes taking in the destruction of her home. 

“ _No_. It is _not_ better that way,” he said. “Death is it. They win. You can’t let them win, _umnyashka*_. You fight. You hear me?”

“For Sam,” she whispered.

“Yeah. For Sam,” he said. “You’re going to come with us now. We’ll take you someplace better.”

An instant later, she was lunging at him again. This time, though, she buried her face in his neck and shook. “Why me? Why am I still here? Why me and not them?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered, patting her back as his heart twisted again. “You figure out the answer to that, you let me know. You’re gonna be alright. Come on, _katyonak*_. Let’s get you out of here.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. umnyashka: A term of endearment for a child  
> 2\. katyonak: Kitten. Another term of endearment for a child


	11. Chapter 11

### September 30, 2175

### Year Four

Seth’s hand slid along the sides of Jake’s head in a gesture that had become customary, his lips pressing against Jake’s close-cropped hair. Jake leaned back into the contact, continuing to scan the datapad in his hand as his heart sank. Four years. Four fucking years and nothing. 

It was like Johnny had vanished into thin air. DNA scans of the remains found in the settlement hadn’t uncovered him, so he hadn’t been one of the scores of bodies thrown into gruesome bonfires or dumped into hastily-dug mass graves. He wasn’t on Mindoir.

So where the hell was he?

“...regret to inform you that our search was unsuccessful...no records of identifying numbers, names, financial transactions; no reports from law enforcement or any government’s military matching his description...salarian contacts report no sightings on Omega...likely either in batarian space or…” Seth’s soft voice trailed off from skimming the report in his hand. 

“Or dead,” Jake finished quietly. “Is it terrible that I hope it’s the latter if this is true?”

 _Johnny_. The thought of him trapped in a batarian labor camp or suffering in slavery in some far-off system, control chips and wires threaded into his brain, made his stomach curl in on itself. He’d be better off dead. But that meant he couldn’t give up. He couldn’t stop looking. No matter how unlikely it was, if he was still out there, living in those conditions, Jake _had_ to find him. He’d want Johnny to look for him if the situation was reversed. 

And god forbid, if he ever _did_ run across him somewhere, how could he live with himself if he had to tell him he’d given up? That he’d just shrugged his shoulders and walked away with nary a look back after his family had rescued him, opened their home to him, loved him simply because Johnny loved him, and given him the best damn year of his life… He had to try. They’d saved him. Now, by some strange twist of fate, he was still here, still free. He’d survived that hell. There had to be a _reason_. 

“No,” Seth said, running his hands down to Jake’s hips and wrapping his arms around his waist. The shorn side of his head brushed against Jake’s cheek as Seth rested his chin on his shoulder. The bigger man sighed. “How long are you going to keep doing this to yourself, baby?”

“As long as it takes until I find him,” Jake said, gripping the edge of the desk in front of him, bracing for the coming argument. 

His chin trembled, heat burning the backs of his eyes. No tears. He couldn’t let himself cry. All this time and he still hadn’t cried. He couldn’t do it now. 

“And what happens when you do?” Seth asked. “You’re going to set me aside like the past _four years_ didn’t matter to you? Or are you going to save him and just walk away and tell him to have a good life?”

Jake sighed and rested his forehead against Seth’s shoulder. “I...can’t do what you want, Seth. I can’t stop. Hannah and Thomas took me in like your parents did when I had nowhere else to go. No one else wanted a biotic, but they already had two biotic kids. What was another?

“What was one more except another mouth to feed when they already had to grow a garden to supplement in order to support their own children’s raging appetites. Another pair of shoes to buy and clothing to purchase when Will’s hand-me-downs weren’t enough. Another set of battles to fight when they were already stretched thin. I did my best to reduce the added burden, working in the shop and helping Hannah in the garden, cleaning as much as they’d let me and doing my best to stay out of trouble. But was it enough?

“Even if it’s Thomas and not Johnny out there somewhere, I have to exhaust every avenue.”

“They’re your family,” Seth said gently, stroking his hair. “I get not wanting to let them go.” Seth’s lips brushed his temple, and he sighed. “I’ll help.”

A shudder ran through him at the soft declaration. _Do you have any idea how much I love you?_

Yet again, Seth was stepping up and standing beside him, taking what he could of the burden. Seth might not be able to fight his demons, but he’d always made damn sure Jake knew he didn’t have to face them alone. Jake didn’t deserve him. He’d done nothing to earn not just one great love, but two. Seth had come along in his darkest hour and walked through it with him even when he’d barely known him. He wrapped his arms around the other man’s waist and squeezed tightly. Seth rested his cheek on top of Jake’s head. 

“I don’t know what else to do, though,” Jake admitted. “I’ve petitioned the Alliance. I’ve scoured the records, managed to get some of them declassified. I’ve questioned soldiers who were there. I’ve talked to private investigators and paid mercs on worlds and stations where slavery’s common. I even hired a goddamn batarian once to try to locate them. Nothing ever turns up.”

“Have you tried the Shadow Broker?” Seth asked.

“I’ve tried others, but...I can’t afford him, baby. ‘Find one of two possible humans who could be anywhere in the galaxy and might be dead already,’ is a tall order. The rates for that are astronomical.”

“I’ve got some money socked away in savings,” Seth offered. “How much do you need?”

“More than you have,” Jake sighed. 

So much of his life had been spent taking other people’s charity. First the Shepards and then the Hayworths. He hated it, hated being unable to support himself on his own. But he’d take it if there was a chance. He wouldn’t let his pride get in the way of finding them. Except that it would cost more than Seth and his parents could pool together even if they sold the restaurant. The rates were insane. 

“We’ll figure something out. We always do,” Seth said. “You realize you just told me more about your past than you have since I met you, right?” Seth asked, giving him a sideways glance. “Why can’t you just talk about it?”

“Please stop pushing,” Jake said somberly. “If I think too hard about it, I’ll break. I can’t talk about it because I can’t look at it. Everyone I knew died or was kidnapped by slavers. That’s all you need to know, and you can find it from a news article. Please, Seth. Let it go. That was before. I’m not who I was then. I’m in the ‘after’ now, and I can’t look at it.”

“Alright,” he sighed. 

* * *

### January 1, 2176

### Year Five 

Jake leaned against the window frame of the small apartment he was sharing with Seth on Anhur, looking out over the colony. Industrial rather than agrarian, the twisted trees dotting the arid landscape nevertheless reminded him of those on Mindoir. There was one across the street that had leaves the exact burgundy of the one that held the treehouse in the backyard at the Shepards, the one he’d carved his initials into with Johnny. 

They’d only been here a few days and would hopefully only be here for a few more. The undercover mission to turn the tide of the civil war that had raged on the planet for the past two years was the last step of their N5 training. Set squarely in the Terminus Systems, Anhur lacked an Alliance presence, so they were posing as a pair of mercenaries out of Omega. If the instructors had deliberately set out to try to find a mission that would break him, they couldn’t have picked a better one than this. 

Humans had come to Anhur for cheap labor, freedom from regulations, and dearth of laws and taxes. Within a decade, they’d realized that they couldn’t compete with batarian companies because of their lack of need for things like salaries for their staff, so they’d abolished the minimum wage, allowing companies to set their pay rates as low as they wanted. Combine that with company housing and general stores providing goods on company credit and slavery had once again become effectively legalized on a human world, which made these humans just as bad as the batarians in his eyes. 

Not everyone agreed with the practice. Laborers outnumbered executives and politicians five to one and since they weren’t being paid in real credits, they couldn’t afford to leave. Those who were capable of doing so had risen up against their new masters. The executives and politicians had sided with the batarians in fighting to keep their slave labor. The resulting civil war had been violent and bloody. 

The morning they’d arrived, they’d gone in with the militias as part of a merc company to raid a warehouse yard where people were being housed in conditions he wouldn’t have allowed his goat, Katya, to experience when he’d been a teenager back home. The air had reeked of filth and blood. It had made him sick. Once rescued, the people had walked out of the warehouses and into the fresh air like people waking from a daze. 

The day before, they’d gone up against a batarian faction that was raiding one of the human company housing neighborhoods to steal slaves. They’d torched houses and dragged people from them, loading them in trailers like animals, killing those who couldn’t work, and having their way in the streets with men and women alike. 

The scent of blood, burning flesh, and the distinctive acrid smoke of burning prefabs had thrown him more violently back to Mindoir than any colony raid he’d worked, including the one where he’d found the girl. He could handle it when it was just him. With Seth here, though, he could barely think straight. He’d had to remind himself that Johnny was gone and grabbing Seth and running while he had the chance wouldn’t change the outcome for anyone he’d loved, but it _would_ cause more Johnnys and Maxines and Wills to be lost. 

He hadn’t spoken in the almost sixteen hours since they’d returned to the prefab apartment, reverting back into the silence that had surrounded him for the first year he’d lived with Seth’s family on Earth. Seth had tried comforting him but had given him a wide berth after he’d stiffened and pulled away. He _wanted_ to lean on him. He wished that he could. But this was too big. They had a job to do, and if he let Seth touch the cracks, he would shatter. There was no way in hell he would let his guard down here with rampaging batarian slavers raiding and pillaging and burning. 

“You should eat, babe.” 

Jake shook his head without looking back at him. His steel-gray eyes remained locked on the street, scanning for any signs of movement or anything out of place. In the distance, an orange glow lit the horizon. Another team was handling it. They were waiting for contact with one of the Alliance’s other operatives within the rebellion now. There was nothing he could do. 

It ate at him, but the selfish side of him needed to keep Seth as far away from that glow as he could. He was usually better at letting his boyfriend be autonomous, and he didn’t generally worry about him as much. Seth was more than capable. But here, he was on high alert, utterly terrified of losing the only family he had left. 

“Jake—” Seth began to argue. 

He cut him off with a warning snarl. The solicitousness was well-intentioned, but he was on the verge of panic at the horrible, familiar scent that permeated the colony and came in through the air filters and the seams in the walls. A scent that he’d hoped to never smell again. A scent that made the trio of bullet wounds in his right shoulder ache and had him painfully aware of the tattoo branded over his heart. If he tried to eat now, it would just come back up. No matter how he tried to cover it up, the scent of his own personal hell remained seared in his nostrils. 

Three days. He’d lain on the ground for nearly three days, covered in the blood of his friends, bleeding from his own wounds that should have killed him, baking under the pink Mindoir sky, his skin blistering and peeling, his mouth parched, dehydration and blood loss and shock steadily picking up the pace to see which would kill him first. The Alliance soldiers had found him like that.

“Please talk to me, baby,” Seth begged behind him. 

His voice was closer, and Jake tensed in anticipation of a touch. He couldn’t handle it right now, damn it. Why couldn’t Seth see that? He knew what it meant when he got like this, when the words caught in his throat and wouldn’t come, when he had too much to say and nothing at all. He knew Jake couldn’t talk about it.

“Goddamn it, Jacob!” the other man snapped. 

Now, Jake did turn to look at him, shocked. Soft-spoken and gentle as a giant teddy bear, he’d never raised his voice at him before. It stunned him even more when Seth threw the cup he held at the door, far enough away to not be aimed at him, but close enough to let him know that he was absolutely the source of the big man’s ire. 

Seth’s hazel eyes were pleading but defiant when he shouted, “Why won’t you just fucking _let me in?!_ ” 

“I...can’t,” Jake forced out in a voice that sounded like broken glass. “I can’t...just... _talk_ about it.”

“Do you think I don’t know that this is about Mindoir?” Seth demanded, tears spilling down a face more suited to laughter than crying. “Do you think I didn’t know the hell that every step we took yesterday was for you? That I wasn’t acutely aware of every bit of your distress? That I don’t know you’re afraid for me right now? 

“I don’t need you to tell me! I’ve seen it. I’ve seen the pictures and the vids and the news reports. I’ve seen the scars, and I’ve heard you talk in your sleep. I’ve woken you up when you’ve been screaming in the middle of the night, and I’ve sat with you when I burned popcorn and it made you sick. I’ve never understood that one till yesterday, but now I do and I don’t _need_ you to _say_ anything. 

“But for God’s sake, don’t shut me out! Let me _touch_ you! Let me hold you! Let me stand fucking watch with you so you don’t have to do it by yourself. Just let me do _something_ to comfort you, Jake, because you are going through hell and I promised you wouldn’t have to do it alone again! How can I show you I love you if you only let me be there for the good parts? Please, Jacob, _let me in!_ ”

Jake shattered. 

His carefully crafted walls, already breached by their situation, came crumbling down at his partner’s heartfelt plea. Jake’s face crumpled, his knees giving out. He slid down the wall onto his ass and buried his face in his knees, trying to hide his weakness. Seth was beside him in a heartbeat, strong arms wrapping around him, shifting them so that he was supporting Jake’s weight. Jake pressed his face against Seth’s broad shoulder, fighting for breath. 

He clung to the bigger man as pain swelled like a tidal wave and crashed down over him, taking his breath away. Grief wracked his body until he gagged, dry heaving. When he would have pulled away, Seth merely wiped his face with a sleeve and held him close. And still, the tears refused to fall. If he let them, they would never stop.

“It’s alright, baby,” he murmured. “Get it out. Let it go. It’s just me and I’ve already seen it all, remember? I was there then and I’m here now. We’re alright. We’ll be alright. We’re safe. You’ll keep me safe. I trust you. It’s not your fault. None of it’s your fault. You’re okay.”

“I l-love you,” Jake hiccupped what felt like hours later. “Don’t deserve you. Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’ll never have to find out, sweetheart,” Seth promised. “I’m not leaving you. ...I’m never eating popcorn again, though.”

Jake gave a weak laugh. “Thank God,” he sighed. “Finally.”


	12. Chapter 12

###  _ June 6, 2177 _

###  _ Year Six _

The sun was shining in Rio de Janeiro. The starched lines of his uniform grazed against the knuckles of Jake’s thumbs as he stood at attention, listening with half an ear to the speech being given behind him. His eyes slid to the side, catching Seth’s, and the corner of his mouth twitched upward. He’d finally gotten used to seeing his boyfriend of five years without the long hair that had once flowed to his shoulders and the piercings that had decorated him. Well, a  _ few _ were still in place…but none that could be seen in uniform. He didn’t look like a biker anymore but he still looked like Seth, and today, he looked particularly handsome in his dress blues. 

Seth’s hazel eyes danced in merriment. They’d done it. They’d made N7. Which meant more authority, more resources, more of a chance to explore the galaxy. More opportunities to look for Johnny. So far, there was no trace of him, but Jake was still limited. 

The other bonus was that they were going to the same duty station. They hadn’t been stationed together since Anhur a year and a half ago. Now, though, they’d be together for at least one deployment, and if all went the way he hoped today, for a long time after that. The small box in his pocket alongside the silver dollar he’d give to the person who blood-pinned him felt heavy. He’d checked and rechecked the fit of his pants to ensure the box didn’t distort it. His heart thudded in his ribcage, and he fought not to wipe his damp palms on the fabric. They’d just skid off anyway. 

He fixed his eyes straight ahead again. The tattoo on his chest seemed to burn with the memory of his childhood boyfriend. Johnny was his first kiss, his first time, his first love, but he’d finally come to accept that he wouldn’t be his last. Jake still missed him every damn day, just like he missed Hannah, Will, Maxine, and Thomas, but even if he found him again, the odds that they would be anything like what they had been were almost nil. 

After this long in captivity, Johnny would be so fucked up, he probably wouldn’t even have the capacity to consent to a relationship. He would need Jake as family, not as a partner. And Jake would be there for him, no matter how badly it hurt, but he couldn’t keep living on a dream. Seth was real. Seth had earned his place in Jake’s heart. If it was smaller and more fractured than Johnny’s, that was a secret for Jake to carry alone.

The memories hadn’t faded and neither had the pain, but he’d learned how to wrangle it, to keep it padlocked in a box in the deepest part of his mind, unable to escape and swallow him whole like it had before. Days like today, the monster rattled the box, but somewhere along the line, something akin to happiness had crept in to fill the void. He suspected it would be forever tainted, but the thought of the rest of his life no longer sent him scrabbling back from the abyss. 

“Jacob Shepard.”

He winked at Seth as he performed an about face and mounted the stage, returning to attention. Mr. and Mrs. Hayworth stepped up to either side of him and placed the shoulder boards bearing his blood stripe onto his uniform. He’d debated their inclusion but had finally realized that if Seth answered the way he hoped, they’d be family whether he was ready for it or not. Might as well take another step. 

This was a good day, a rare thing in his life. This wasn’t the life he would have chosen, but maybe Seth was right that it was okay to create a new one. Build something new from the ashes. Otherwise, why was he still here? Moving forward, not letting go.

Mr. Hayworth, a retired N7 himself, stepped up with the N7 badge in hand and carefully affixed it to his uniform before banging his fist into it seven times. Jake winced but held steady through the ritual. 

“Proud of you, son,” Mr. Hayworth said gruffly, stepping back and saluting him.

Jake returned the salute before reaching past the box in his pocket to remove the silver dollar. He placed it in the other man’s hand as he shook it. 

“Thank you, sir,” he said, releasing him. 

Mrs. Hayworth patted his shoulder, her cornflower eyes swimming. “We love you, honey,” she whispered in the soft Southern accent that sounded so much like home, wrapping her arms around him. Jake stiffened and looked over her shoulder at Seth. She didn’t seem to notice. “I know you’ve never come to look at us as Mom and Dad, though we’d love it if you did. But you’re one of our boys all the same. I’m not glad for what happened to you, but I thank God every day for bringing you into our lives. You are going to do great things, Jacob. I just know it.”

They stayed in place as Jake left the stage and their CO called out, “Seth Hayworth.” 

Jake smiled, watching the bigger man face his parents. His whole world—what was left of it, anyway—was right here. He supposed he couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

When the ceremony was finally over, they walked away as a group. Jake caught Seth by the elbow, turning him to face him before he lost his nerve, and drew the box from his pocket as he dropped to a knee in front of him. Mrs. Hayworth gasped, covering her mouth with her hand, and Mr. Hayworth’s stern face broke into a broad smile. But what Jake saw, all that he could see, was the moment it clicked in Seth’s mind and confusion turned to joy. 

“Seth,” he said.

His hand skimmed over the synthetic fabric of his dress pants in a vain attempt to wipe away the dampness on his palms before opening the box. His heart fluttered, and his stomach rolled, hope and guilt at war inside him. 

“I thought my world was over when we met. Looking ahead, all I saw was a gaping, interminable void that I was hurtling toward. There was no hope. There was no happiness. It was just dark. And then you came along, and you broke it down into pieces I could swallow without fucking choking on it. You lit the way through the dark and helped me find another side that I didn’t think existed. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and I never want to find out. 

“I don’t have a damn clue what you see in me, but whatever it is, it’s yours if you want it. I look forward now and I’m not gonna lie and say it’s all rainbows and sunshine, but there’s you and that’s what I want. So, Seth Hayworth, what d’ya say?”

“That is the best and worst proposal I’ve ever heard in my life,” Seth said, chortling and shaking his head. “Get up, you big oaf. You’re gonna stain your pants and you know you’re shit at laundry. Guess that’ll have to be my job.” He tugged Jake to his feet and slid his arms around his waist, picking him up and spinning around. “Yeah, you dumbass. I’ll marry you.” 

“Put me down, you fucking bear,” Jake laughed. 

Seth put him back on his feet and took his face in both hands, pressing his lips to the top of his head. “Love you, Jacob. I have since we were kids. Moving forward, not letting go.”

Jake shivered, leaning into him. “Love you, too,  _ moya medvezhonok. _ ” 

The ring he’d chosen was a simple silver band. He took it out of the box and slipped it onto Seth’s finger. A moment later, they were engulfed by the Hayworths. Mrs. Hayworth hugged them both and Mr. Hayworth clapped their backs, beaming. 

“This calls for a celebration!” Mrs. Hayworth exclaimed. 

* * *

**From:** jake_shepard@atlgaearth.xnet

**To:** johnny_shepard@mindoir.xnet

**Date:** 6 June, 2177

**Sender’s Location:** Atlanta, Georgia, Earth

**Subject:** Torn

I’m getting married, solnishka. I don’t know if you’d be okay with this. I’m not...I mean, I haven’t  _ forgotten  _ you. It’s just...we were kids and there’s a whole lot of life left to go. I know it’s stupid. I just sometimes feel like I’m breaking a promise. It was supposed to be you. 

I still miss you so fucking much. Every day, I see your face. You’re carved over my heart. It’s yours. All of it is fucking yours. Except this one little slice. I don’t even know if you’re still alive to claim it. 

Logically, I know that had things been different, there’s no telling what would’ve happened. The odds of us actually being forever were slim. High school sweethearts growing old together is generally fiction for a reason. We just never got the chance to find out. So, I’m kinda stuck. 

We carved our initials on the fucking tree out back one day. Next day, I’m coming home from a game and all hell breaks loose. Game over. No goodbye. No closure. You just...stopped responding. Sixteen fucking years old and it felt like it’s all over and there’s nothing left. 

And I know if it was reversed, I’d want you to be happy and, fuck, Seth’s the closest to happy I’ve been. I even started playing again. Not sad shit, either. Stuff like I used to play. It just hits harder some days than others. 

I still love you. I’m still looking for you. I won’t stop till I find you.

J

* * *

“What if Johnny isn’t dead?” Seth asked, propping his head on his fist and looking up at Jake. “Would you still be marrying me?”

“What do you mean?” Jake asked, confusion making him antsy. 

Why was he asking these things? Where was this coming from? If Johnny hadn’t been taken, no. He wouldn’t be with Seth. But saying that would only hurt him. Had he changed his mind?

“I mean...if he showed up right now? What would you do?” Seth asked.

“Probably...cry a lot,” he said, shaking his head. “And then try to get him help. Where is this coming from?”

“I don’t know,” Seth said. “It’s stupid. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it is. You’re here. I’m with you. We’re going to get married.” Jake kissed him more insistently, gently pushing him back against the mattress and sliding his hands down his hips. “I love you, Seth.”


	13. Chapter 13

### December 14, 2177

### Year Seven

“So, Alphabet. I get to be best man, right?” Jensen nudged Jake, their armor clacking together as the shuttle jolted. 

Jake groaned. “No, dude, I told you. That spot’s already filled. You’re gonna be the flower boy.”

“You gonna let me wear a dress and put a pretty little wreath on my head?” he asked, sticking his boot out. “Don’t know that they make patent leather Mary Janes in my size, though. Might have to wear heels.”

Seth shook his head. “You got a lot of pairs of heels in your closet, Jensen? I mean, if that’s what flies your starship, bro, have at it. Not my kink, but it’s ok.”

“Oh, yeah?” Carson asked, sitting forward. “What _is_ your kink, then? You two gettin’ freaky in the barracks already?”

“Hanar porn, man,” Seth shot back. “And elcor. ‘With increasing fervor: I am getting close.’ ‘Sated: Was it also good for you?’”

Jake chortled, bumping his shoulder against his fiance. “You are _scary_ good at that, babe.” 

“Well, I mean, he’s _big_ enough to be a fuckin’ elcor,” Jensen said with a grin.

“Yeah, he is,” Jake shot back, waggling his eyebrows.

“Oh, TMI, Alphabet. T. M. I.” Rogers groaned.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t seen him in the showers,” Jake said. 

“I don’t _look_!” Rogers exclaimed. “Too busy looking at your mom anyway.”

“Yeah, well, while you were looking at his, yours was screaming my name,” Seth popped back. 

“Huh,” Bayley said, cocking his head. “Thought you’d have gone for his dad.”

“Did ‘em both,” Seth said with a grin. 

The shuttle pilot peered back through the opening at them. “Hate to break up this love fest you guys have got going on back there, but we’re approaching atmo. Ten minutes.”

Jake nodded, standing up and hooking his hand over one of the stabilizer bars on the ceiling. “Okay, guys. Pioneer team’s gone dark. No comms coming out of the colony. No distress signals. No one knows why. Could be a simple technical issue with the comms. If so, our tech team will step in and get them back up and running. That said, the brass thinks there’s something more going on or they wouldn’t have sent an entire platoon. Could be pirates. Could be slavers. Could be something environmental. Point is, _we don’t know_ and until we do, we keep our eyes open and our heads on a fucking swivel. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Helmets on, breathers active until we rule out environmental causes. Be ready for anything. And if it _is_ raiders, shoot fucking straight. Ooo-rah?”

“ _Ooo-rah!_ ”

“You gonna be okay?” Seth asked quietly when he took his seat again. “If it’s raiders, I mean? This has gotta be hitting a little close to home.”

“I can handle it,” he said. “If not, there’s a reason you’re second in command. Get ‘em through.” Hell, he kind of hoped it _was_. He wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone, but everyone was likely dead on the colony anyway. If they weren’t too late, maybe they’d get to exact some fucking payback. 

“Hey,” Seth said, nudging him. “Don’t go all dark and twisted on me now. We do this and our rotation’s up. And then it’s wedding bells and finding some rainbows and goddamn sunshine.”

“Don’t know what I’d do without you, buddy,” he said, giving him a soft smile.

“Never have to find out, if I have any say in it,” Seth assured him. “I have every intention of us being old men in the nursing home chasing around the pretty boy nurses in our wheelchairs.”

“God damn it, Seth, you left your fuckin’ teeth in the sink again,” Jake teased.

“Well, Jacob, that’s what happens when you use my denture cream as toothpaste, dumbass,” Seth teased back.

One more week and then they’d be on shore leave for the next month. The wedding details were already taken care of, thanks to Mrs. Hayworth, who’d gone all out. He’d have been happy with a ship’s captain or a justice of the peace. The ceremony didn’t matter. It was the marriage, not the wedding, that Jake cared about. But Seth was a romantic and he’d be disappointed if they didn’t walk down the aisle and dance and toast and all that shit. After everything Seth had done for him over the years, he couldn’t deny him anything. He didn’t _want_ to deny him. If he wanted hearts and flowers and fucking stardust, that’s what he’d get, goddamnit, if Jake had to go harvest them himself. 

It wasn’t that Jake didn’t _like_ romance. Hell, he could quote _Fleet and Flotilla_ right alongside Seth. He’d just never taken to celebrations the way Seth did. He wasn’t one for pomp and ceremony. He got enough of that with the Alliance. He didn’t want people looking at him. He’d gotten enough stares to last a lifetime. He wanted the little family he’d created from the ashes. Nothing else mattered. As much as he jokingly bitched about it, he still loved the way Seth’s eyes lit up when he talked about it. That was enough to make him happy. If that meant unicorns eating rainbows and farting cupcakes, so be it. He’d love it because Seth loved it. 

The shuttle landed and he rose with Seth behind him. The other man took the sides of his head in both large hands and kissed the crown. He allowed himself a moment to lean back into the familiar contact before straightening and donning his helmet. 

He turned back to look at his soon-to-be-husband and grinned, “Let’s do this.”

Fifty-one pairs of boots hit the ground on Akuze.


	14. Chapter 14

### Akuze

### December 14, 2177

The settlement was intact. No raiders. No pirates. No settlers. No _bodies_. Plates of rotting food sat forgotten on tables. Vid screens played unwatched. Music drifted from rooms of empty houses. The scrape of armor and heavy footfalls of booted feet were the only sounds of human life. Cattle mooed in pens, their troughs empty. Goats bleated. Vegetation in planters for terraforming wilted in their beds. The emergency bunker was empty. The weapons were missing from the armory, but there was no sign of battle. It was fucking creepy. 

Whatever had happened here had happened fast. The lack of bodies effectively ruled out poison, contamination, or other natural causes. The stock in the pens ruled out predators. Jake instructed the science team to scan anyway to ensure that it was safe for exposure. When they did, he removed his helmet and looked at Seth. The other man’s hazel eyes were troubled. 

“Where the hell are they?” he asked.

“I dunno,” Jake said.

“Think it was slavers?” Seth asked. “Did they just come in and grab everyone?”

“No,” Jake said. “They wouldn’t have left anything standing. Buildings would have been burned. The animals would’ve been slaughtered. They don’t just snatch and grab and disappear. They _raze_. Especially since the Blitz. If it was batarians, we’d know it.”

“Doesn’t have to be batarians,” Seth pointed out, settling a hand on his shoulder a moment. “Other species raid, too.”

Jake couldn’t feel the squeeze through his armor, but he knew it was there all the same. He’d never talked to Seth about Mindoir, but he was a smart guy and had put together bits and pieces. He supposed he’d just answered at least some of his questions.

“Not like this,” Smith said. “I’ve never even heard of anything like this.”

The sun was beginning to set. There wasn’t much they could do to search in the dark. This wasn’t going to be a rescue mission. If they were lucky, they might find bodies to recover, but he’d be surprised if there was even that much. They were just _gone_. It was up to them to figure out why. 

Jake motioned for the platoon to form up. “We’re going to call it for the night, pick up again at first light.”

“Sir,” Jensen said, “if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather _not_ sleep in the ghost town tonight.”

“You scared?” Carson muttered under his breath.

“No, just...doesn’t seem right, sleeping in their beds. And whatever happened to them, they were home when it did. I say we get away from the settlement site and make camp elsewhere. Sir.”

“Agreed,” Jake said. 

As they moved out, he said to Seth, “Sat scans show a plateau two klicks northwest of the settlement. That’ll give us flat land and high ground. We’ll make camp, set up a rotating guard, and get some sleep. Come back at daybreak, see if we can figure out what the hell happened here. Jensen and Carson can take first watch. We’ll take second. Bayley and Rogers third. Have Toombs set up a perimeter. I want scans for radiation, air quality, meteorological events, biological weapons, heat signatures, if we can scan for it, do it. If there’s a fucking _ant_ out there, I want to know about it. Everyone remains in full gear. No one eats or drinks anything we didn’t bring in ourselves. If you’ve gotta take a shit, don’t let your ass touch the ground. Got it?”

“Roger. How you holding up?” Seth asked.

“I don’t like this,” he said softly. “I don’t like this one bit.” 

His instincts were screaming at him to grab Seth, call for extraction, and get them and the rest of his guys the hell out of here. There was something _very_ wrong here, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on, and it set his teeth on edge. He wondered for a moment if it was bringing back memories from Mindoir, but this was nothing like that. It didn’t feel right for a raid. 

The pioneer team wasn’t a group of colonial civilians. They were hand-picked and highly trained. Few were actual soldiers, but they’d been taught to handle themselves against anything that might get thrown at them, considering that outside aid could be days away. They’d have put up a fight if they’d been attacked, but while the weapons were missing along with the settlers, there were no signs of a firefight. No discarded weapons. No bullet holes. No blood.

They’d left in a hurry, that was for damn sure. But why and where’d they go? The comm systems were functional. They wouldn’t have abandoned the settlement without contacting the Alliance. There was no reason for them to desert. From what he’d seen, the settlement process was going well. He didn’t know much about the procedure, but it appeared everything was in place and terraforming had already begun. The path he’d chosen would take them past the point where the last report stated they’d begun breaking ground. In fact….

They topped a rise and came to a halt. “The fuck…” Seth whispered. 

Mindoir was a farming colony. Jake had grown up walking past fields prepared for sowing. He knew what tilled ground looked like and this was not it. The ground below looked as if it had been excavated by a giant toddler with a toy shovel. ...Or a giant worm farm. Mounds of fresh dirt heaped and sprayed from deep, wide holes in the ground. The earth was churned where it wasn’t perforated. This wasn’t done by any man-made equipment he’d ever seen. 

The sun was beginning to set, but hadn’t dropped below the horizon yet and Jake wanted a closer look. He selected Rogers and Jensen to accompany him while setting up Seth, Bayley, and Carson as snipers. They would provide cover if needed and it kept Seth away from...whatever was below. The two Marines flanked him and followed him into the valley.

“You guys seen that old movie _Holes_?” Jensen asked as they climbed down. 

“Doubt we’ll find any treasure down here, Jen,” Rogers said. 

Closer inspection revealed little at first. The holes went deeper than he’d realized and were larger even than they’d appeared at the top of the hill. Long streaks of an unidentified, dried substance coated the ground. Jensen dropped to a knee to scan it, but jumped up when his armor hissed. He looked down at the corroded material and said, “Acid, sir. A strong one.”

Rogers found the first set of footprints. Jake located a scrap of material that appeared to have come from a pair of pants. Jensen found an empty boot. 

“Jacob,” whispered into his ear. “There’s... _something_ about a hundred meters ahead. Not enough light left to make out what it is and I can’t switch to NVG yet. No heat signatures. Not sure what it is.”

He motioned for his teammates to follow him and crossed the tumultuous ground, keeping a sharp eye out for movement that would signal that they weren’t alone. He located the first object just where Seth said it would be and his hands gripped his shotgun as his stomach churned. 

Jensen stopped beside him, sucking in a breath. His voice wavered slightly when he said, “Is that a... _hand_?”

They’d found the missing settlers. What was left of them, anyway.

“Forget _Holes_ ,” Rogers finally said, his voice shaking. “You ever read the _Dune_ series?”

“Long time ago,” Jake said absently. 

“Fucking Mongolian death worms,” Rogers said.

“Those are just a legend,” Jensen said tightly. “Hold it together, bud.”

What the hell had done _that_? Jake added ground scans to the list and hoped that whatever had attacked the settlers couldn’t get up through the rock of the plateau and that they’d gotten far enough away to be out of its territory. He could only assume it was some creature native to the region. Ground-dwelling. Carnivorous. Acidic. _Massive_. Mongolian death worms were as likely an explanation as anything else. The back of his neck crawled and he resisted the urge to rub it. 

He settled into his sleeping bag a short time later with Seth’s head on his shoulder, running his fingers through his short hair. His stomach sat heavily in his belly. He still couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that he should be calling for extraction, but he wanted to know what had happened. If there was a predator on Akuze, the Alliance needed to know what it was and how to counter it before sending another team in to colonize. He just wished he could send Seth home. 

“Not the mission I’d have chosen to do together if I’d known what we were walking into,” he said softly. 

“Hey,” Seth chided, lifting his head to look at him. “We’ll get through this. Together. Not like you to worry. We’re as prepared for whatever may come as we can be. Nothing you can do until you know what the situation is, right?”

“I could get us the hell out of here,” he sighed.

“And what are you gonna tell Commander Preston? It’s creepy down here and you’re afraid of monsters under the bed? C’mon, Jacob.”

“Fuck you,” he muttered, playfully nipping the other man’s jaw. 

“Mmm, now there’s an idea,” Seth purred, nuzzling his ear. “Y’know, not that hard to get the vital areas exposed. Only takes a second to cover up again if we have to move….” Seth’s hand slid down between them, toying at the seals on his armor. “And we have the bedroll, so no danger of our asses touching the ground.”

“You are _so_ bad,” Jake muttered, canting his hips and sliding his hands down over Seth’s ass. It wasn’t the same in full gear, but he knew the other man’s body as well as he did his own and he could easily imagine the flex of muscle beneath his fingers. Reluctantly, he said, “Not here, baby. Soon enough. I’m not risking getting caught with quite literally our pants down if something comes bursting up out of the ground at us.” He brushed his lips against Seth’s to soothe the rejection. “Want to keep you safe. If that means waiting, we wait.”

“Yes, sir,” Seth breathed against his mouth.

“You are a _wicked_ temptation,” Jake muttered, desire spearing through him. If they were at home or on the ship, he’d have him bent over and moaning his name in a heartbeat, but protecting him was more important. 

His decision was validated a moment later when Carson shouted, “LT! We got movement on sensors!”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jake spat, sliding out from under the bigger man. Seth leapt to his feet, running out of the tent beside him, their weapons at the ready. “What’ve we got, Carson? Jensen, get everybody up.”

“I don’t know, sir,” Carson answered. “Something big moving at a high rate of speed. Looks like it’s coming straight through the rock.” The marine’s eyes were wide, but his voice was steady. “Do we move?”

“We need to get back to the LZ” Jake said as the rest of the platoon formed up around him. “We’ve got solid rock below us, a hell of a climb to the top, and open sightlines from here, but if these things can come up through the ground, that isn’t going to help. Five teams, ten each. Hayworth, Carson, Jensen, Toombs, and six others with me. Barros, Smith, Malory, and Fuller lead the other teams. We’ll split up, take different routes. I want everyone on NVG. Divide heavy weapons between the teams. Carson, give me a vector.”

Carson shook his head. “I...I can’t, sir. It appears to be coming from every direction. We’re being swarmed. Estimate three mikes to contact.”

Jake leaned over his shoulder and peered at the other man’s omni-tool. Carson hadn’t been fucking kidding. The creatures were churning below the surface of the plateau, working their way up through the rock like it was nothing. The _fuck_ were these things, anyway? Didn’t matter now. All that mattered was getting the hell out of here. There was no tactical option for retreat. They were utterly surrounded. 

He put his hand to his ear and opened the comm. “ _Hastings_ , this is Lieutenant Shepard, do you read?”

“We read you, Lieutenant,” came the tinny reply.

“We need emergency extraction at Landing Zone Alpha. Fallback location, Landing Zone Tango. Unknown hostiles incoming. Extraction team needs to be loaded out with heavy weapons. Ready the med bay. I want medical teams standing by. Jensen will brief you on what to expect.” 

Jensen nodded and said too quietly for the rest of the platoon to hear, “Prepare for amputations, catastrophic blood loss, shred trauma, evisceration, massive internal injuries...pretty much, worst-case scenario all at once. We’re gonna need all medical personnel standing by.”

Jake recalled the streams of dried fluid from the terraforming site and added, “And have something to neutralize acid on hand.”

“Copy that, ground team. Shuttle is preparing for launch as we speak. And...good luck.”

“Gather your teams and _fucking_ _run_.” Jake turned to his team and made a circling motion with his hand. “Move out!”

Seth fell into position behind and to his right with a tight, “Let’s do this.”


	15. Chapter 15

### Akuze

### December 14, 2177

Jake’s team scrabbled down the rocky face of the plateau with Carson continuing to monitor the creatures’ progress. The ground began to shake beneath them, sinking in concentric circles like the planet itself was opening its mouth to devour them, and causing Bayley to lose his footing and skid down the side of the rise. Rogers fell into a controlled slide after him just as dirt and stone spewed up from the ground, pelting them with shattered rock. 

Mongolian death worm was right. A creature that Jake could only compare to a giant worm with a mouthful of goddamn _teeth_ and a tongue that would put a turian to shame burst up from the hole it had created, spewing yellow venom that splashed over Shanley and fucking _melted_ him where he stood. Bayley screamed, hands scrabbling for purchase he couldn’t find, and slid right into the creature’s mouth. It reared its head back, swallowing the man in two undulations of its muscular throat. Seth gave a pained shout. Rogers threw a warp at it and Jensen dove for him, dragging him back to the group as the others opened fire. Elsewhere, the sound of gunfire clattered into life in the night.

Jake drew a rocket launcher over his shoulder, moving Seth behind him as the creature turned its attention on them. He fired a rocket straight down the beast’s gullet and shoved a stunned Seth in front of him as he began to run. 

“ _Move!_ ” he ordered.

There was nothing he could do for Shanley or Bayley. He had to get his team out of here. He had to get _Seth_ out of here. If he lost him, he’d lose his fucking mind. It was Jake’s goddamn fault they were here in the first place. He’d been the one to request this assignment, likely due to a subconscious association with his past. He couldn’t resist a colony in distress. And Seth had come with him because Jake had stipulated that they be stationed together when they commissioned. If something happened to Seth, it would be on his hands. 

They ran, listening to the rumble behind them as the creature pursued, leapfrogging each other as they turned to lay down covering fire for the rest of the team. Jake’s biotics lit the night along with Rogers and Matthews. He and Seth moved like they were a single individual, their years of knowledge of each other allowing them to read the other’s intentions without the need for discussion or coordination. He pushed the others ahead as Jensen gave a blood-curdling scream and Rogers bellowed his name. He turned to find Rogers dragging a legless Jensen as the other man gripped the remnants of his thighs in an attempt to stem the blood spraying from the ragged ends before going limp. Still Rogers didn’t let him go. 

Jake motioned for Carson to cover them and grabbed Rogers by the shoulder. “He’s gone, Rogers! Let him go!”

“No!” Rogers shouted. “I’m not leaving him!”

“He’s _dead_ , Mike, and you will be, too, if you don’t come on.”

Rogers looked down at the mutilated body in his hands, seeming to see it for the first time, and dropped him, the blood draining out of his face. Jake grabbed his collar, dragging him along beside him with Seth running backwards next to him with his AR to his shoulder. 

“Carson’s down,” he muttered. 

“Fuck this!” Toombs screeched. “We gotta split up!”

“Corporal!” Jake shouted, releasing Rogers, who’d gone into either autopilot or shock and was now running of his own accord with a blank look on his face. “Do not leave this group!”

“No! That thing is fucking _eating us_! And we’re just making it easy on it to pick us off! Go to hell, I’m out!” With that, he bolted, disappearing into the dark around an outcropping of rock. 

“He’s right, man!” Goza wailed. “We’re dead if we stick together. Apart, we at least have a chance of some of us making it! Confuse the damn thing!”

“No!” Jake shouted. “We _stay together_. Matthews, warp the damn thing. Goza, suppressive fire, Rogers, take point. Phillips, get _Hastings_ on the comm, and find out where that goddamn shuttle is. Hayworth, _on me._ ”

“Aye aye, sir,” Phillips said, putting his hand to his ear as they continued to run.

They’d almost reached the terraforming site. One more klick to the LZ. Half his team was gone and the screams and frantic voices coming over the comm in his ear told him the others weren’t faring any better. He wasn’t the only one struggling to hold his team together. Fuller’s team had gone silent. Malory was down and replaced by Burks and then Andrews before it broke entirely. Barros and Smith were fighting to keep theirs from doing the same and Barros was pleading for assistance none of them could give. 

This was a goddamn nightmare. Not quite as bad as Mindoir, not yet, but getting close. He fought the memories that threatened to surface. He couldn’t afford to go there now. He had to keep Seth safe. No matter what. Behind them, the ground thundered. He pushed Seth ahead and turned, readying a warp in his hand. The creature surged forward, spewing another stream of yellow acid that caught Goza full in the face, and turned its head to scoop up Matthews. 

_Thresher maw,_ he realized. He’d only heard rumors of them, but there was nothing else it could be. Jake threw the warp, not stopping to determine whether it had any effect. They _had to be_ whittling it down. 

_How does an ant eat a buffalo?_

_One bite at a time. One warp at a time. One bullet at a time. One bite at a fucking time._

His feet pounded out the rhythm of his thoughts. Rogers turned, glowing blue as he warped it, and Phillips threw a grenade into its mouth. Jake and Seth dropped into position, allowing the other two to run forward. His amp was getting warm, but he detonated Rogers’ warp with a throw as Seth fired the rocket launcher at it. They were getting low on ordnance, but the biotic detonation combined with the rocket made it waver. 

Its head reared back and Jake threw himself over Seth as acid sprayed, splattering over his armor. Its aim was off and the brunt of the wave splashed harmlessly into the dirt beside them, but he could hear the hiss as the acid ate through the ablative plating on his back. He jumped up, ignoring it. There was no time to strip it off. The thing was too close. They had to put distance between it while it was hesitating. 

“Jake!” Seth shouted. 

“I’m fine! Go!” he replied. 

They raced past Rogers as Phillips caught up to him. “They’re not coming, sir,” he panted.

“What?” Jake demanded. “The fuck do you mean, they’re not coming?”

“Said it’s too hot. They can’t get the shuttle down. They’re trying to figure something else out.” Phillips’ eyes were wide as his legs ate up the ground and his breathing was labored.

The settlement was up ahead. Half a klick. They were almost fucking there. 

“Alphabet!” Smith’s voice came over the comm.

“I read you,” he said, turning to take Rogers’ place. 

“Approaching the LZ. Only one left and I’ve got that thing breathing down my neck. There’s no goddamn shuttle. You said they were coming. Where are they? Where the hell are you?”

“Half a klick from the settlement. On our way. Four left here. Alliance can’t get here yet, but they’ll come. We just gotta get these creatures off our asses. I’ve got an idea about that. We’ll discuss it when I get there. Rendezvous at the settlement.”

“You got an idea?” Seth asked when Phillips started firing and he turned to run again. 

Jake shook his head. He couldn’t tell Smith that, though. _Guess I better figure something out_. 

Rogers tripped, tumbling head over heels with a sickening crack only slightly muffled by his armor. The man’s limbs went limp. Phillips ran for him and Jake and Seth faced the maw again. 

“No!” Rogers shouted. “Go! Keep moving. I’ll just slow you down.”

“We aren’t leaving you!” Phillips shouted.

“There’s no time! Go! It slows down when it...gets one of us. I can buy you time or I can get you killed. Get out of here!”

“He’s right,” Jake said with a wince.

“No one gets left behind!” Phillips argued. Seth fired the last rocket. 

“ _Leave him_!” Jake said, his gaze locking on Rogers. If he was going to sentence him to death, he’d look him in the eye while he did it. The good of the many always outweighed the one. “That’s an order.”

“Fuck you, sir,” Phillips ground out. “I’m not leaving him.” He moved to stand over Rogers with his AR rattling furiously. “You two go. Get the hell out of here.”

Jake looked between the other two and Seth. If they stayed here, they would die. The settlement was almost in sight. Help wasn’t coming, but the thresher maw was. He couldn’t get the shuttle down until the maw was taken out. His eyes fixed on Seth, who nodded. “Together.”

They turned, raising their weapons, and fired. Phillips threw a handful of grenades, which stuck to the maw’s scaly flesh and exploded, ripping chunks off of it. The creature screamed, pulling back on itself, and they pelted it with lead. Bug bites, nothing more. It wasn’t doing shit. _How does an ant eat a buffalo, Jakey-baby?_ He warped the worm and cast another throw, ignoring the heat in his amp and the pounding in his head. A second warp followed and the creature swayed. 

“We’ve got the fucker now!” Phillips whooped. 

It turned to face him, disgorging another wash of acid. This one hit its mark, bathing Phillips and Rogers. _And then there were two_. The voices in his ear had ceased but for Smith’s ragged breathing. Jake grabbed Seth by the elbow and turned as fire bit into his back. The acid was through his armor. Didn’t matter. He wasn’t losing another person he loved. Fuck that and fuck the goddamn buffalo. There was a time to make a stand and a time to retreat and this was the latter. They’d get to the settlement and lock themselves in the goddamn bunker.

_The bunker!_

“Smith!” he shouted into the comm. “Get to the bunker!”

“Don’t...don’t think that’s...an option...sir…” came the weak reply. “Fucker got me...in the belly. I’m...done.”

“Goddamn you, Smith! Don’t you fucking give up on me now!” Jake railed. “Get your ass to that goddamn bunker!” 

“Can’t...do. I can...I can see my guts, sir.”

 _Goddamn motherfucking nightmare_. 

“We’re coming, Smith,” he said helplessly, casting a look at Seth as they pushed forward. “Just hold on, buddy. We’re coming for you.” 

“Gonna...try to...draw it off you…”

“No, Smith! Get to the fucking bunker!”

There was no response. The ground went still behind them. Jake looked over his shoulder and slowed, casting around in confusion. “It’s gone.”

“Where’d it go?” Seth asked, stopping and bending over, breathing heavily.

“I dunno.”

“Maybe it got full. Maybe we hurt it more than we thought. Maybe it’s gone.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jake said, shaking his head. “We’ve still gotta get out of here. I’m not taking a chance on it coming back. C’mon, baby. _Move_.”

“They’re dead,” Seth said as they threw their bodies into a run again. “They’re all dead. It devoured us, Jake!”

“I know,” he panted. “Don’t think about it. If you think about it, you’ll lose your fucking mind. One step at a time, remember?”

Buildings rose ahead of them, illuminated by the moon overhead. The bunker was just beyond. Shelter, though how useful it would be against something that could chew through bedrock, he didn’t know. It had to be enough. It fucking had to be. He and Seth were not goddamn dying here. He hadn’t come this far to get eaten by a fucking _worm_. And no way in hell was he missing his fucking wedding. 

“Just a little farther,” he gasped, his back burning. The muscles spasmed, making his grip on his shotgun slip. He grasped at it, clutching it in his trembling fists. “We’ll get to the bunker. Wait these things out. Then they’ll bring the shuttle. We’ll go home. We got a wedding to attend, right? Seth Shepard.”

“Yeah,” Seth said. “Yeah. We do.”

“Shepard, do you read me?”

“Affirmative. Holy fuck, it’s good to hear your voice.” he paused, gasping to Seth. “They’re coming.”

“Oh. We’re fine, then,” Seth said with a weak grin. 

“Smith, you hear that? Smith? ...Smith?” There was no answer. “ _Fuck_.”

The new voice said, “Make your way to the LZ, Shepard. Assistance is on the way.”

The ground rumbled beneath their feet, dirt sinking only to spray up and clatter against their armor. Jake grabbed Seth again, pulling him after him, calling on the speed he’d always taken for granted. He’d paced himself against Seth until now, but there was no more time. The fucking thing was _here_ , right below them, about to burst up beneath them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for "How does an ant eat a buffalo? One bite at a time," goes to Potions for introducing me to the phrase.


	16. Chapter 16

### Akuze

### December 15, 2177

The ground ruptured, throwing them forward, and Jake scrambled to his feet without releasing Seth. A scream ripped from the other man’s throat and there was a moment of resistance before he lurched forward, the burden significantly both lighter and lower now. 

He looked back and heard his own voice cut through the night. “ _Seth_!” he screamed. “ _No_! _Seth_!” 

His knees buckled, hitting the ground with a thud as he clutched at Seth’s arm, dragging him forward. Acid splashed around him again, spraying up from Seth’s back and splattering his chest and arm. Jake rolled onto his back, collecting every bit of dark energy he could draw, and shoved a warp from his hand. The maw stuttered, swaying in the air above them. Jake pulled Seth back, rolling to cover him again, and shouted in pain as the maw slammed down onto him, trapping his leg. He felt his knee twist almost in slow motion, soft tissue stretching and tearing in a sickening rip, the bones snapping beneath the skin. Hot blood flooded his armor, the pain temporarily overriding that in his back. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. _Seth!_

“ _Shepard, talk to me. What’s happening? I don’t have visual._ ”

“It ate him! It fucking _ate_ him!” He didn’t recognize his own voice. He was sixteen again, screaming at Ronnie and Dustin to wake up and move.

“ _Shepard, sitrep!_ ” 

The order snapped him back. “Our unit was attacked by unknown hostiles. I think...I think they’re thresher maws,” he gasped. “I divided the platoon into five groups, sent them different routes to the LZ. We were pursued by one of the tangos. We’re currently half a klick northwest of the settlement site. The creature. It’s dead. I killed it. But Seth…” The sight of the remains of his fiance drove away what composure he’d managed to collect. “Oh, my fucking Christ, _Seth_. _On mertv. On ushel. On mertv. Moya medvezhonok._ _Ne ostavlyay menya._ ”* 

He pushed past the pain, attempting to jerk his leg loose as his hands trembled above Seth’s body. What was left of it. Below his waist was nothing but a mangled mess of meat and intestines. Blood pooled around them, soaking into the dirt. Seth’s eyes were fixed on the dark sky, his face already ashen. A scream ripped from Jake’s throat, as he wrapped his arms around the other man’s still shoulders, burying his face in his neck. No pulse. There was no pulse. 

“ _Set_ , _please_ ,” he begged. “ _Ne delay etogo so mnoy_. Don’t fucking leave me.”* 

“ _Breathe, LT. Keep it together._ ”

He rolled, breath coming in panicked gasps, and kicked the maw with his free foot as hard as he could, sending knives spearing through his leg and making his vision go white. It rocked and finally came loose. Jake jerked away, dragging Seth as he crawled on his hands and uninjured knee away from the _thing_ that had destroyed fucking everything. His back blazed. His arms trembled, giving out as his body began to twitch. He plopped down in the dirt on his ass, using the last of his strength to draw Seth’s lifeless body into his lap. He curled over him, screaming against his throat. 

Seth was dead. 

They were all dead.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, baby. I’m sorry. _Prosti prosti prosti_.” He rocked Seth, repeating the words like a mantra against his shoulder. 

The ground began to rumble again, but he didn’t move. There was no point. It was all over. Seth was gone. Acid was eating through his back and would hit his spine soon. He could barely hold Seth as it was. No way he could hold his shotgun. His amp was pretty much fried after that last warp. He was fucking done for. No more. He honestly didn’t know if he was apologizing to Seth or to Johnny at this point.

 _Johnny_.

Fuck. Johnny still needed him. Jake couldn’t give up on him. He kissed Seth between the eyes and pushed himself into a sitting position, grasping for his shotgun. He couldn’t hold it up. The rumble was getting louder, coming from both in front of and behind him. The one in front was louder, so that was where he turned his attention. He dragged himself around Seth, gritting his teeth as his vision blurred and head swam. Draping himself across Seth’s chest, he braced the weapon against his arm. 

Squeeze the trigger. That’s all he had to do. _Stay conscious and move one finger. Don’t think about Seth ripped apart beneath you. Don’t look at the ragged meat where his hips used to be. Don’t think about your hands on his ass just a few hours ago. Time for that later. All the time in the fucking world. Don’t think about Seth. Think about Johnny._

He called up his biotics, testing the burn in his amp. One more. If he was lucky. Blood dripped from his nose, coating his lip. He damped them down. No sense in wasting it before he had to.

“There’s another one coming, maybe two. I can’t...can’t move much. I’m...pretty fucked up. Left knee’s shattered. Acid all over my back and chest. It’s through my armor. Think...think I’m gonna be paralyzed.”

_“Just hold on, alright? ETA, two minutes.”_

Time lost all meaning. Each breath took forever as it raked its claws through his screaming lungs, his knee throbbing in a horrific rhythm that never faltered in its bloody beat.

 _Seth’s dead. He’s dead. You failed. Game over. Your fault._ _All yours._

The words pulsed in his brain, in time with the awful cadence the pain was flashing through him. He couldn’t tell where one started and another ended; it all faded together into one giant, searing, miasmic ache. The man was talking at him over the comm, but he couldn’t hear it over the rushing in his ears. 

Dirt and rubble shifted in front of him. This was probably it. _One last fuckin’ bite_. He’d make it count. The ground rippled again, shockwave under the ground lancing through him and merging with the deep pain already coursing through his battered body. 

Earth started sinking in concentric rings, the center drawing rocks and debris below the surface.

 _Fuck_.

He knew what that meant. He’d seen it before the thresher maw breached. Only this one was bigger than the one that lay dead on the surface. Dirt started to slide underneath him, a slow pull towards the end. Maybe when it swallowed him, he could warp a hole in its throat. A sharp tremor pounded through the earth, stealing his breath. Any minute now.

The rumble behind him stopped. Maybe that was a smaller one and they were going to fight over which one got to eat him. If he was lucky, they’d take each other out and leave him to his fate.

Horrendous screeching and rocks grinding erupted from the ground in a spray of dirt and sinewy muscle. Teeth and vitriolic saliva flashed in the pale moonlight. 

“ _Hit the dirt, Shepard._ ”

Cannon fire blazed from behind him, chasing back the shadows against the tumultuous night sky. Jake collapsed, rolling onto his side and tucking Seth’s listless head against his shoulder. Like he could protect him. Like he could wake up and find himself in their bed at home, Seth’s warm breath stirring the short hairs on his neck. _If only_. 

The thresher maw screamed again, spewing another glistening blob through the air. A rushing hiss sounded in a pause between bursts of fire, then a heavy metallic clank made the ground tremble. Eezo thrusters. They’d made the Mako jump to avoid the acid. That was either fucking crazy or goddamn genius. Missiles honed in on their target in quick succession, making it rear back and plunge itself back in the ground.

“Shepard!”

His comm must be shot; it sounded like the man was right beside him.

“Focus, Alphabet.” 

A gauntlet clicked its fingers in front of his face, shadows playing hell with his vision. _Johnny?_ He didn’t believe in angels or ghosts. But here he was. Come to take him home? Or had he come for Seth? _Take me, too. I don’t want to be here anymore_. 

“Contact. The maw's down. ...It’s bad. Really bad. ...One, just the one. Get the damn Alliance ready with a full medical team.”

Jake stared dumbly at the figure in front of him, the orange glow from his omni-tool throwing his angular face into stark relief as he scanned Jake’s body. Johnny. He looked so much like fucking Johnny.

“Shep? Stay with me. You’re in shock right now, but it's going to be okay. You're safe.”

“My guys,” he said faintly. “Gotta find my guys. Toombs. Toombs ran. Some of the others. Couple might still be alive. Can’t leave ‘em here.” 

Not-Johnny activated Jake’s omni-tool, scanning through the data on the screen. A heavy sigh fell from his lips. “They’re gone, Lieutenant. No life signs registering.”

The ground shifted below them, sand trickling away from where he was sitting. _Here we go again. At least we’ll get eaten together. One bite at a time, ha._

Not-Johnny scowled, looking down at ground, then shoved himself up, striding towards the Mako again. “Smith, move the Mako into the open. Bait the fucker, then light it up. I want it out where I can get to it. Easton, man the gun.”

“Smith’s got his guts hanging out. He can’t move the Mako. He’s dead, too,” Jake muttered against Seth’s hair.

Not-Johnny ignored him. “Gray, Houston, on me. Shepard, you got any tips on taking this thing down?” 

Jake struggled to pull his thoughts together. Johnny-not-Johnny needed help. “Warp and throw,” he said weakly. “Detonate its ass. Grenades. I, ah…” _Focus, Jakey._ “Small arms fire doesn’t do much. Ant bites. Gotta...gotta get through the armor first. And don’t... _don’t_ let the acid touch you. Melted Shanley. Goop. Not pretty. Fuckin’ hurts.” 

The sky started to bleed in the distance, streaks of red cutting through the darkness. Dawn. Not-Johnny looked over his shoulder at it, his chiseled jaw tight. “Move out.”

The tank rumbled forward, spitting up mini storms of grit behind its wheels. The ground shifted again, sinkhole forming further out this time. Whoever was driving must’ve been drunk; they were doing a zig zag evasion pattern and making the tank lurch like an alcoholic rhino. A telltale tremor shot through the rock moments before the beast exploded out of the ground again. The Mako careened wildly, trying to steady itself against the spasmodic earth. 

“Fuck _me_ …” one the other soldiers whispered.

A splash of acid barely missed the Mako as the eezo thrusters activated. It fired two missiles simultaneously. The resulting roar reverberated through him, blocking out the sharp reports of the guns. He tried to grip Seth tighter, but he couldn’t tell if his arms cooperated or not.

They were all dead. They just didn’t know it yet.

“Oh _,_ fuck me running.”

He glanced up at Johnny-not-Johnny _._ His brow was furrowed, jaw clenched. The Mako had gotten hit dead on and was retreating to high ground. The maw dove under the surface again, surging towards them. The three soldiers standing braced themselves against the rebelling ground under their feet. 

Not-Johnny’s fist burst into blue flames, traces of it licking along his bracer. Dirt swirled before being expelled outwards, the hellacious gaping maw ripping its way out of the very bones of the planet. It danced upwards, a demon against a bloody sky. 

Seth had told him once that he felt like thunder; but if he was thunder, not-Johnny was a Greek god come to earth, and man, Zeus was _pissed_. Lightning flashed from his hand between a hailstorm of bullets from his rifle. The man was _lethal_. 

His face was determined and unafraid as he engaged the maw, shifting to keep himself between Jake and the death worm when the creature dove beneath the ground to reposition. By the time it reappeared, not-Johnny was waiting, casting biotic attacks faster than anyone Jake had ever seen. He was quick. Not-Johnny was a one-man thunderstorm.

The other two—Jake had forgotten their names—pelted the beast with both small-arms and heavy weapons and not-Johnny took advantage of its attention turning to them to rain down hellfire on it. He couldn’t keep that pace up forever. Jake’s heart pounded in his ears as he watched, feeling helpless to do anything. It was too far away for his shotgun to be effective even if he could handle it and Seth’s rifle was gone. 

The man cursed and switched back to his AR, ducking to a knee to make a smaller target as he squeezed the trigger, holding the rifle steady through sheer brute force until a whine announced an overheat. Blue flame flickered over his hand for an instant before fading out. His energy was shot. 

The maw chose that moment to face Johnny-not-Johnny, its mouth gaping, blue tongue undulating as it heaved, preparing to spit another wash of acid. Johnny looked over his shoulder at Jake and surged to his feet, creating a physical barrier between Jake and the death worm. 

_No!_

Jake released Seth, barreling sideways and forcing back the darkness that flooded his vision. The back of his head burned and blood nose gushed from his nose, but he pushed past it. His arm shook wildly, but steadied just long enough for him to perform the mnemonic from muscle memory. The warp flashed over the creature and Jake threw his hand out, detonating it before collapsing again. The maw shook, the acid splattering harmlessly a few feet from maybe-Johnny, whose weapon had cooled again. He opened fire once more. Jake inched his way back across the dirt to Seth, pained moans wheezing from his lungs with every breath.

The man reached over his back, unhooking the entire bag of grenades attached to his armor, and hefted it in his gauntleted hand. The Mako rumbled up, cannon blazing, ordinance slamming into the creature and making it dance. The maw’s mouth opened again. Jake himself had never executed a more perfect pitch. 

The bag sailed end over end, soaring into the maw’s gullet, and Johnny tapped a button on his omni-tool. The bag exploded, sending chunks of silvery meat ripping out from the worm’s throat. The ground itself shuddered as the maw fell and the tank turned toward them, its engine block smoking. 

Jake curled around Seth, clutching his body tightly to his chest. This couldn’t be real. It was just another nightmare. He’d wake up screaming and Seth would be there with his arms around him. Whole. Healthy.

“You’re gonna be fine, _medvezhonok._ You’ll be okay. I just gotta wake up. _Pozhaluysta, razbudi menya. Kto-to pozhaluysta, razbudi menya. S’ toboy vse budet v’ poryadke. Prosto razbudi menya, Set_.”*

This couldn’t be happening again. He was fine. They were asleep at home. It couldn’t be real because Johnny was here. Unless Jake was dead, too, and this was hell. No. That wasn’t right, either. Hell was Mindoir. Unless it had levels and this was one of them. Maybe he’d died with Ronnie and Dustin. Maybe everything that had followed was just different kinds of hell. Build him up to break him again. And again. And again. 

He’d already _paid_ his goddamn dues for a lifetime membership to the worst fucking club ever. He’d paid and paid until there was nothing fucking left. He’d paid his dues when he was sixteen fucking years old. He didn’t fucking owe them again at twenty-three. He was supposed to just accept this? Fuck that. No. 

Seven years wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. There was still so much left to say. He needed to tell him. About Hannah and Mat. About Thomas and Maxine and Will. About Johnny and Jameson and Dustin and Ronnie. About the pink sky and purple wheat. About the hell he’d walked through. Seth would understand. Why had he ever thought he wouldn’t understand? They just needed to wake up.

This wasn’t real. He’d fallen asleep on the shuttle. Jensen and Carson were ragging on him and Seth. Jensen was going to be his ring-bearer. No. Flower girl. With a wreath in his hair and Mary Janes. They were in the tent, asleep in their bedroll. 

They were getting married next week. Seth’s mom had planned it all out. They were supposed to chase the nurses in the nursing home and have wheelchair races and bitch about teeth in the sink. Not this. Not Seth growing cool under his fingertips, his face pale, his lips already blue. Like Will’s. He wasn’t supposed to be lying in the dirt on Akuze, holding half his fiance’s body with the bodies of his team spread across a two klick radius. 

A shadow fell over him, pale in the early morning sunlight. A lanky body folded itself down in front of him. Johnny. Fitting that he should be here. Not-Johnny come to take him home. A dark angel sent to drag him out of hell. Again. The way he’d done before. The last link. The last one left alive. The only living being in this godforsaken galaxy that he gave a shit about. Hell. He’d probably die, too. 

“Shepard,” the man said. “Come on, soldier. We need to move.” 

“Johnny?”

“Let him go, Alphabet. We need to get out of here before more of those things come.”

He wanted to take Seth. No. If they took him away, he’d never see him again. He’d be alone. No. Seth was _his._ He flared, wrapping their bodies in a blue corona, and snarled.

The man heaved a sigh and reached past Seth, ignoring the warning, to cup the back of Jake’s neck in a gauntleted hand. He pressed their foreheads together the way they used to do. Jake let the barrier fall. 

Johnny’s voice was gentler than Jake had ever heard it when he said, “Yeah, I'm not taking him from you. Just focus on me. Trust me, and I'll take you home.” 

Home. Johnny was going to take him home. He knew there was no home anymore. Maybe it _was_ Johnny. Johnny all grown up.

Keeping one hand wrapped around the back of Seth’s head, Jake lifted the other trembling limb and placed it on Johnny-or-not-Johnny’s jaw, stroking his cheek. He nodded against the other man’s forehead. 

Jake felt a pinch against the skin of his neck, and Johnny-not-Johnny whispered, “Goodnight, Jakey.” 

Exhaustion swept over him. Not a dream, then. Real. Seth was dead. Johnny was dead. Hannah and Thomas and Will and Smith and Jensen and Carson and all the rest. That meant it wasn’t Johnny. And that meant… 

“Lied to me,” he whispered as darkness consumed him. “Home’s dead. My Johnny’s dead. _Moya solnishka_.”*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *He’s dead. He’s gone. He’s dead. My teddy bear. Don’t leave me.  
> **Don’t do this to me.  
> ***Please wake me up. Someone wake me up. You’ll be alright. Just wake me up, Seth.  
> ****My sunshine.


	17. Chapter 17

### Akuze

### December 15, 2177-January 1, 2178

Jake faded in and out of consciousness. The first time he woke, he was lying on his belly in a moving vehicle. Everything above his waist was on fire. Everything below it was gone. Maybe he’d gotten eaten, too. He didn’t look down. He didn’t want to know. His arms were empty. Seth was gone, too. An armored thigh was beneath his head. He rolled his eyes up to see not-Johnny sitting with him, jaw clenched and face carefully blank. 

“Can’t feel my legs,” he whispered. 

“You won’t for a little while. I used a nerve block. You’re going to be okay, Shep.” Meaningless platitudes and they both knew it. Nothing was ever going to be okay again.

The Mako jolted, sending pain lancing through him and stealing his breath. He pressed his forehead against the armored thigh, his hands clenching the edge of the ablative plating as his body tremored. Conscious thought fled. There was only pain, white-hot and searing, worse than anything he’d ever felt before, amplified by the lack of sensation below his waist. Small, high-pitched sounds poured between his teeth on shaky breaths as he fought not to scream. Fingers slid through the hair on the back of his head, fleeting as they were soothing.

“Hold on, Alphabet. We’re almost there.” An orange glow filtered through the white blinding him and not-Johnny cursed. “Damn it, Houston, pass me the fucking med kit. It's not enough.” He muttered something about BP and pulse rates. There was a rustle and another pinch and the world went blessedly dark again.

The second time he woke, he was on a gurney and someone’s voice was barking orders. He sounded pissed off again, words as abrupt and staccato as the gunfire that already felt ages ago. Jake tried to tell him it was okay, that he didn’t need legs because he wasn’t going to be a soldier anymore, but he was too tired and the words wouldn’t come.

The third time, he was face-down on a bed in a med bay with the steady beep of machinery filling the otherwise silent room. He reached for the button to the pain pump, noting that he could feel his legs again. His thumb clicked the button, wanting to drown himself in the numbing effect of the pain meds. _Last time I was in a hospital, I hacked it and overloaded my system._ Hacking the pump was too much work at this point. Alive. Dead. Didn’t matter. This was hell and he was trapped in it.

The fourth time he woke, he was in a hospital rather than the med bay. Doc Jones sat in the chair, a soft look on his face. “Hey, Jake,” he said gently. 

“Johnny?” he groaned.

“There’s no Johnny here,” the shrink said, leaning forward and pressing a straw against Jake’s chapped lips. Jake sucked in small sips, the cool fluid soothing against his arid throat. “You don’t have to talk yet. I just came to see how you’re doing.”

“Seth’s dead,” he whispered, reaching for the button. The narcotics bathed his veins in a soothing warmth. “I got him killed. My guys…”

“I’m sorry, Jake. They didn’t survive,” the doc said gently.

“Not… I mean the bodies,” he whispered, burying his face in the stiff hospital pillow. “What’s left, anyway. Gotta...gotta bring ‘em home. Families. Their families need to see. Know they’re dead. Or they’ll wonder. They’ll always wonder.”

Another sigh. “The Alliance sent in a team to deal with the thresher maws. They’ll recover the bodies if they can. Seth is...down in the morgue.” A hand reached out and placed something on the pillow. Jake tilted his head to see a flash of silver. “His parents brought his tag. They thought you’d want it. They asked to see you. I told them this was probably not a good time.”

Jake nodded against the starched fabric, reaching up to curl his fingers around the metal, his thumb tracing the raised letters. How many times had he wrapped his hand around these tags, warm from Seth’s body, and used them to pull the other man in? It was warm now, too, but from Doc, not Seth. Seth was cold and pale, half a body on a slab, the rest of him thresher maw food. _Eaten_. Like meat. 

“I don’t wanna see ‘em,” he said into the pillow.

“Jake. They’re your family.”

“No,” he snapped. “They’re not. They’re _Seth’s_ family. Not mine. Seth is fucking _dead_. They’ll either want me to take his place or they’ll look at me and wonder why it’s me here and not him. I _don’t_ want to see them. Ever.”

He turned his head and stared mutely out the window. There was nothing left to say. He was back in the hell he’d started in, with nothing but the abyss ahead of him. Only now there was no Seth to break it down into bite-sized chunks he could swallow. No wedding. No marriage. No life. 

Fifty-one pairs of boots had touched down on Akuze. Only one came back. 


End file.
